-^- '*-^^^^^^^^^^^r 



AN ORIGINAL COMEDY. 



liittle^issiJohnstone 






FRANK E. DUMM. 



UPPER SANDUSKY, 
1887. 



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19 ii>o/ 



AN ORIGINAL COMEDY. 



kittle ®iss ilohnstone, 



sBYs 



FRANK E. DUMM. 



UPPER SANDUSKY, 0, 
1887. 




Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1887, 

By frank E. DUMM, 

in the oflSce of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. 



Jonathan J. Johnstone, "Little Miss Johnstone's" father. 
Robert B. Bolter, His friend "Bobbie." 
Frederick Schane, A young German. 
Felix Bolter, A rare genius of New Yorker. 
Mr. Wicks, An advertising agent for "J. J. J." 

Nannie Johnstone, Known as "Little Miss Johnstone.^" 
Aunt Betsy Trip way, A consistent woman. 
Miss Flossy Titters, A society girl. 



/ 



f 



.^b"'.'- (^'^ \ 



A(2T I 



PLACE— Five Forks, Ohio. 

TIME — May-time AND dinner waiting. 

SCENE — Set house "R" between 1 and 8. Picket fence, 

GATE "C/' BETWEEN "R 3 E" AND "L 3 E." OlD FASHIONED WELL, 
WITH WINDLASS, (L 2 E.J TaBLE WITH CLOTH AND DISHES, THREE 
CHAIRS, NEAR SET HOUSE. BeNCH, (L 1 E.) WoOD WINGS AND FLAT. 

AT RISE OF CURTAIN— Aunt Betsy arranging dishes up- 
on TABLE 



Betsy. 

f WONDER where she is? (call- 
ing) Nan-uie! N-a-n-nie! N-a-u- 
ii-i-e! Well, shell get it when 
she does come. 

Crosses to table, picks up gad, the strength 
of which she tries upon her knee and other- 
wise. 

Oh, but won't she. Here's her 
gadding and a gallivanting and 
me cooking and wearing my fingers 
to the very bone, and she not even 
coming to meals, {tries gad) Get 
it; well, I should say she would. 

Enter Mr. Wicks "L 3 E." Looks cautiously 
about him; seeing Betsy, makes a grimace 
and produces a memorandum in which he 
writes rapidly. 



This is the house, and that the fe- 
male. Hem ! 

Bet {fuming) Mercy heavens! 

Wic {advancing) Don't be star- 
tled, madam. I pray you, don't. If 
I startled you. I beg vour pardon. 

Bet Well, if you" don't call that 
startling a body, what do you call 
it? 

Wic I don't know; I will look 
it up in my memorandum. By the 
by, are you using this well? 

Bet What on earth would we 
have it here for if we wasn't? 

Wic Madam, you don't under- 
stand me. However, nobody does. 

He produces hammer and tacks and com- 
mences to tack placard upon well. 



Wic {At gate C reading from 
hook ) Cottage, yellow—green blinds 
— picket-fence. Ditto. Just so. 
Old lady — lace cap — freckled — curls. 
Ditto. Just so. Old well — rustic 
bench— no dogs. Ditto. Just so. Bet What are you doing there? 



THE placard: 

J. J. J. 

FOR CORN'S. 



Wic {tacking placard) Wicks, 
is my name — used to call me 
Wicky at school — quite a joke — 
yes. Nice placard — -ornameut — 
quite so — pay me to do this in most 
places, but it being you. Miss Betsy — 

Bet (aside) Well, there's im- 
pertinence for you. [aloud) Who 
told you my name was Betsy? 

Wic {aside) Her name is Betsy. 
{aloud and turning pages of book) 
How did I know your name was 
Betsy? Page 5. Betsy Tripway. 

Bet That's my name; what of 
it? 

Wic {reads) Residence, Five 
Forks, cottage third door south of 
mill, left-hand side. 

Bet Well, that's none of your 
business. 

Wic Get ofE at the junction, 
ride five miles, walk two and in- 
quire at the P. 0. Ditto. Just so. 

Bet Just so? It's nothing of 
the sort. 

Wic Page 6. Tall female, gar- 
ulous temperament; otherwise 

Bet {aside) He's escaped from 
somewhere. 

Wic Otherwise, kindly disposed. 
\^He crosses, Betsy makes a motion to 
go in set house.^ Don't go; I am de- 
lighted to make your acquaintance. 
I pray you, don t go. I am not 
through with you. Please sit down. 

Bet aside Did you ever! 

Wic Sit down. 

Bet I won't sit down. 

Wic Won't sit down? No? 
I will. 

Sit3 upon bench "L" 

Bet Nobody asked you, sir. 

Wic Don't apologize. 

Bet Well! 

Wic Did you say well? 

Bet That s what I said. 

Wic Well? Oh, certainly, I 

see the well. Drink? No. I am 



not thirsty. Page 7. You are the 
sister-in-law of J. J. Johnstone, Esq, 
aged 59 years, 8 months and 16 
days ? 

Bet aside He's the assessor. 
aloud What did you come here 
for; you seem to know about every- 
thing? 

Wic Page 8. J. J. J. is an im- 
mortal man. 

Bet Fm not surprised. He left 
here 16 years ago and hasn't been 
heard of since. Should tbiuk he 
ought to be. When did he die? 

Wic That is not in my memo- 
randum. Page 9. You have in 
your charge a daughter of J. J's; 
who's wife and sister of Betsy Trip- 
way, died Oct. 5th, 1864; 15 years, 
3 months and 5 days before the 
greatest discovery of the 19th cen- 
tury — J. J. J. For Corns. 

Bet Well, what's that to you? 

Wic Page 10. 

Bet You'll please stop paging 
me, or you'll wish you had. 

Wic This child was left in your 
charge to siipport, educate, &c., &c., 
etcetera. Why? Page 11. J. J. 
was a miserable wretch, penniless 
&c. &c. etcetera. 

Bet Supposing I did; and it's 
no fault of his if she isn't dead and 
buried and frozed and starved and 
pitch-forked in the bargain. The 
miserable trickster. 

Wic J. J. a trickster? 

Bet Trickster. That's what I 
said. 

Wic Calm yourself. Page 11. 
Is the child still alive? 

Bet Guess you'd think so if you 
had to live with her. 

Wic Healthy? 

Bet She ought to be; she eats 
enough. 

Wic Educated? 

Bet Is when she wants to be. 



Wic Page 12. Beautiful? 

Bet That's noue of jour busi- 
ness. 

Wic {closes book, rises) Much 
obliged. Take a card. Sorry I 
can't stay for dinner. But don't 
worry, I'll be back for supper. 
Yours respectfully, Wicks. Good 
morning. 

Exit "R 3 B" Betsy following him to gate C. 

Bet Heavens to Betsy, he's a 
queer one. The queerest assessor 
that ever come doAvn these parts. I 
wonder how he came to know me 
and my brother-in-law? 'Spose it 
was the folks at the store. Um! 
For gossiping, lies and snake stories, 
they do rear ahead of anything. 

Frederick singing outside "L3 E." 

That's Frederick. I never could 

tolerate that boy; and I wish he'd 

keep out of my lot. He bothers 
the life out of me. 

Crosses to table and commences angrily to 
arrange dishes. Frederick enters "R 3 B," at 
gate "C ' stops singing. 

Frd Hello, Aunt Betsy. How 
you vas? Nice morning? Vat do 
you say? 

Bet I didn't say anything. 

Frd aside Veil, Fm glad she 
didn't, {motions Nannie back ivho 
is in "L 3 E.") I say. Aunt Betsy, 
vat makes you look so grim? Any- 
thing gone wrong? 

Bet Gone wrong! How's ev- 
erything always a going here? 
{picks up gad) But she'll get it. 

Frd {motions Nannie back) It 
looks dot vay. 
• Bet What are you doing! 

Frd {furniiuj quick) Nothing. 

Bet Well, don t do it again. I 
thought she was with you; she's al- 
ways with you. Where is she ? 

Frd How do I know. May be 
she's got caught in the vater veel, 



and may be she's fallen in the dam. 
and may be she ain't; and may be 
she's been stolen by Gypsies. 

Nan [outside] Frederick! 

Frd aside Vat de d — 1 she vant 
to call now for! 

Bet l^tri/in;/ gad] That's her. 
Frd \ es, dot's her. aside And 
I shouldn't vonder she visli is vasn't 
her. 

Bet Oh, but won't she get it. 

She tries gad and hides behind well. Fred, 
crosses to table. 

Bet Don't you tell her where I 
am. 
Frd No, I von't. 

Enter Little Miss Johnstone "L 3 E" stops at 
gate -'C" laughs and exclaims "O gee!" She 
has a basket in her hands and crosses to Fred. 

Nan Didn't I tell you, Freder- 
ick, you wouldn't find anybody at 
home. Where's Aunt Betsy ? 

Betsy motions gad at Frdderiek. 

Frd Look out for the veil. 

Nan The well? Well, what 
about it? 

Frd Look out for the veil. 

Nan Say, you havn't gone crazy 
have you? Oh, may be Aunt Bet- 
sy has fallen in the well. Wouldn't 
that be fun. Ding, dong, dell, Aunt 
Betsy's in the well. 

Frd Say nothing, and look out 
for the veil. 

Aunt Betsy brings her gad down upon the 
stage with tremendous crash. Nannie and 
Frederick separate. Nan, "R." Fred "LI" 
Betsy coming down "C." 

Nan Aunt Betsy! 

Frd Dot struck somewhere. 

Nan Oh, it's you. I thought it 
was somebody else. 

Frd aside I bet she vish it vas 
somebody else. 

During above Betsy tries her gad. 

Bet \_fo Nannie] Come here! 



Nan \_yohui to her sUIeirat/s^ 
Yes ma'am. 

Fed a.sirfe Now she's going to 
get it. 

Bet l^fcdt's Xamiie rouc/hh/ htj 
Hlioulder, sivitn/s Jier around upon 
Iter left^ You little imp, you! You 
galivanting, no-account tom-boy, 
you; I'm going to scorch you with- 
in an inch of your life. 

Nan Yes, ma'am. 

Fed ctside Now she will get it. 

Bet Yes, ma'am? What do 
you mean by yes, ma'am! Arn't 
you afraid of me! 

Nan Yes, ma'am. 

Bet Well, you'd better be. You'd 
better be frightened half out your 
wits. 

Betsy brings her gad down with a tremen- 
dous crash. Nan . and Fred. jump. 

Nan I am — yes, ma'am. 

Bet Hold out your hand! 

Fed aside Now she is going to 
get it. 

Nan But, Aunt Betsy? 

Bet Hold out your hand ! 

Nan. advances slowly and school-girl fashion 
to Betsy, who prepares to punish her. 

Fed [hides face in his hands} 
Veil, I can't stand this. 

Betsy makes a great flourish with the gad 
and then lets it fall gently into|Nannie'8 hand. 

Bet Put the gad on the table 
and then come here. 

Fed aside Veil, I vouldn't be- 
lieved dot if I didn't see it. 

Nannie crosses and lays gad on table and, 
on returning winks at Frederick. 

Bet Come here. 

Nan Yes, ma'am. 

Bet Fm going to box your ears 
for you. Say. who unfastened the 
ribbon in yoii^^iniir? 

Betsj^commences to tie ribbon and. accident- 
ally pulls her hair. 



Nan Oh, Aunt Betsy! 

Bet You good-for-nothing, you ; 
stand still, [same j^/a//] Now, kiss 
me. And if ever you're late for 
dinner again, you know what you'll 
get. [jjushes her c/enfli/ toward ta- 
ble} Frederick, go home. 

Fed You want me to go home? 
Eh! Oh, all right, I vill go. 

Crosses to gate "C." 

Bet Where are you going! 

Fed Fm going home. 

Bet ['puUs out chair ""R" of ta- 
ble and pats on seat of same} Come 
back and sit right down here; and 
Nannie, you sit here. [Nan. ^^L."] 
If either of you are ever the father 
of a family, I trust you will have 
sense enough to take a lesson from 
what you have just seen. Consis- 
tancy first and the gad immediately 
afterwards. That's my motto, and 
it's a good one. I'm going after the 
tea; both of you keep your seats. If 
you don't, you know what you'll 
get. 

Betsy exits '*D" in house. Nannie laughs. 

Fed Vat you laughing at? 

Nan The idea of me being the 
father of a family. 

Fed Dot would be funny. 

Nan But Aunt Betsy's a good 
soul, she is. She scolds; oh, don't 
she, though. But it's a habit she's 
caught from me, and she can't help 
it. Pass the bread. 

He hands her the loaf. 

Nan Well, cut it. 

Fed Why didn't you say so. 

Cuts piece from loaf and hands her the loaf. 

Nan Oh, I don't want a piece 
like that. 

Fed You don't. How is dot? 

Is her small piece. 



Nan What makes you so ab- 
sent-minded, Frederick ? 

Fed I don't know, but I guess 
I vas thinking about something else 
— something we vas talking about 
down yonder. 

Nan Was you, now. I'd for- 
gotten all about it. I— I~I say, pass 
the bread. 

Fed You have the bread. 

Nan So I have. And you was 
thinking of what we was talking 
about down yonder. Oh, dear! 

Fed Yes. Your Aunt Betsy vas 
in a good humor. 

Nan Yes, I think she is. 

Fed Don't you think Fd better 
say something to her about vat we 
vas talking about down yonder. 

Nan I don't know, Frederick; 
you know Aunt Betsy ? Oh ! Pass 
the bread! 

Enter Betsy from "D" In house. Frederick 
sweeps the loaf through the dishes to Nannie, 
Betsy crosses, with tea-pot, to head of table. 

Bet What are you trying to do! 
Now, what were you talking about ? 

Nan Nothing. 

Bet Um! It must have been en- 
tertaining. Didn't I hear my name 
mentioned when I came out? 
She sets tea-pot on Frederick's hand. 

Fed Ocht, gott! 

Bet Keep your hand in your 
pocket. Nannie, didn't I hear my 
name mentioned when I came out? 

Nan I only told him to pass the 
bread. 

Bet lijouring out tea^ Well, 
don't talk so much: you'll get in the 
habit of it. You'll soon be as bad 
as old Luce Tompkins across the 
creek, and she's a disgraceful gos- 
siping old Tartar. She ought to be 
drummed out of the village. And 
there's old Deacon Rubberpeal, he's 
worse than Luce Tompkins. The 
old reprobate. If he ever says any- 



thing about me he knows what he'U 
get. That's the trouble with this vil- 
lage, everybody in it talks too much, 
except me. I think. That's the way 
to do. Think more, and don't talk 
so much. Will you have sugar in 
your tea, Frederick ? 

Fed If you please. 

Nan So will I, Aunt Betsy. 

Bet Do you think I've been 
feeding you for sixteen years and 
don't know how you take your tea! 
Do you think I'm an idiot! Speak 
when you're spoken to; that's my 
motto, and it's a good one. 

Betsy commences to put sugar in tea. Fred- 
erick goes through pantomime, asking Nan- 
nie if he should speak to Betsy about their 
little affair. Betsy looks up in time to catch 
them at it. 



you 
you 



Bet What on earth are 
making faces about! Don't 
like the dinner! 

Fed Yes, we like the diniier^ — 
Bet Then what don't you like? 

Nannie pantomimes Frederick to proceed. 

Fed Vell—vell, I don't know — 
Bet Then don't disfigure your 
self. 

Betsy commences measuring out a cup of 
tea, but watching Frederick closely. Nannie 
takes advantage of this fact and reaches un- 
der the table to step upon Frederick's toe as a 
cue to continue, but lands upon Betsy's, who 
drops the cup and starts up. 

Bet Heavens to Betsy! [to 
Frederick^ What did you do that 
for! 

Fed (bewildered) Do vat for! 

Nannie stuffs the ends of the table cloth in 
her mouth to keep from laughing. 

Bet Do what for! Step on my 
toe! 

Fed Step on your toe! Why, I 
vould just as leave be caught in the 
vater veel as to be caught doing dot. 

Bet May be I imagined it? 

Nan That's it, ^nit Betsy, you 
imaerined it. 



6 



Bet Hold your tongue, and go 
in the house and — go to bed. 

Nan But, Aunt Betsy, Fni not 
sleepy. 

Bet Go into the house! Do you 
hear what I say! 

Nan {Xhuf to house) But Aunt 
Betsy? 

Bet Come back here and finish 
your dinner, and if I hear another 
word out of you, you know what 
you'll get. 

Betsy commences to cut slice of bread across 
loaf. Nannie motions Frederick to proceed. 



Fed Aunt Betsy 

Bet [^hands him piece of bread ^ 
Take it. 

He takes it. 

Nan \^aside to Fred.] Lookout 
for the tea-pot. 

Frd Veil, I vas going to say, 

i^unt Betsy — I vas going to say-- — 

( Na7i. points at tea-pot ) Eh ! Oh, 

yes; I vill look out for the tea-pot. 

Nannie laughs. 

Bet {buttering 'bread) What's 
the matter with you fools? 

Nan {behind Betsy's chair) 
Well, you see. Aunt Betsy, my dear, 
sweet Aunt Betsy; only Aunt Betsy 
Fve got — {euihraces her lavishly) 
Arn't you Aunt Betsy? 

Frd aside She knows how to 
vork her. 

Bet What's all this about — 
want anything? 

Nan No, but Frederick and I 
were down by the dam this morn- 
ing, and 

Bet Well, who said you wasn't! 

Frd Nobody says we vasn't. 
But we vas down by the dam, and 
Nannie she vas saying to me, and I 
vas saying to Nannie — vasn't we? 

Nan Yes, we was, Aunt Betsy. 

Bet Well, you both ought to be 
ashamed of yourselves. 



Nan Yes, and he said a lots o£ 
things to me, dear Aunt Betsy, 
about that little house down yon- 
der, with the picket fence in front 
and the flower beds all around it. 

Bei Want to sell it to you! 

Nan No, he didn't want to sell 
it to me; he wanted to give it to me, 
or — that is half of it. 

Bet Why didn't you take it! 

Nan Why, we didn't know, 
Aunt Betsy, if it would just suit 
you. 

Bet Suit me! What are you 
fools talking about? 

Fed ( rises and X's to settee "L" ) 
Come over here and sit down and 
we tell you all about it. 

Bet ril do nothing of the sort. 

Nan Come on. Aunt Betsy. 

Bet Well, who said I wouldn't. 
{X's to bench) Come over here 
both of you, and sit down beside 
me. No, Frederick, get on the oth- 
er side. I hear better on this side, 
and it doesn't make any difEerence 
if I hear Nannie or not. Well? 

Frd Aunt Betsy, if you don't 
mind, I vill tell you something. I 
think a great deal of leddle Miss 
Johnstone. 

Bet You do! 

Nan And, Aunt Betsy, if you 
don't mind, I will tell you some- 
thing. I think a great deal of 
Frederick. 

Bet You do! 

Nan, Frd And we think a great 
deal of each other. 

They reach across Betsy's lap and embrace. 

Bet What do you mean by that! 
Arn't you ashamed of yourselves! 

Nan No, 'cause I don't think 
it's anything to be ashamed of. If 
people love each other, wh}^, don't 
they kiss each other? 

Bet But you don't love each 
other. 



Frd Veil, I vonldn't know dot 
if you didn't tell me. 

NAif Yes, we do. 

Bet Then why don't you set up 
house-keeping? 

Nan (rises) Do you mean it, 
Aunt Betsy! 

Frd {rises) Do you! 

Bet You'd be two nice fools 
married, now, wouldn't you. And I 
would be a bigger fool to let you. 

Nan {fell Is upon "L" of bench) 
Well, I don't care. 

Frd {same play) Neither do I. 

Bet What do you know about 
liouse-keeping ? You couldn't cook 
an egg without basting it. And 
what do you know about supporting 
a family? It's all you can do to 
support your mother. Married! 
Pshaw! I'd like to see you try it, 
you know what you'll get. 

Nan {embraces her from one 
i?kle) But, Aunt Betsy. 

Frd [same plaij^ Come on. Do. 

Betsy turns and kisses Nannie. Frederick 
kisses Aunt Betsy, who turns quickly and 
g'lares at him. 

Bet You must get married next 
fall. If you don't you know what 
you'll get. 

Nan You good, lovely Aunt 
Betsy. 

Frd I think more of you than 
anybody dot lives — except my mud- 
der and leddle Miss Johnstone. 

Nan And when we get married, 
you've got to come and live with us. 
And 3^ou'll be so good to us, won't 
you; and we'll be so good to you. 
Won't we. Frederick? 

Frd We vill, or we know vat 
we vill get. 

Nan And we will all be so very, 
very happy. [.so/>.s'] 

Bet \_coHsolui;j her^ Well Nan- 
nie don't cry about it. Don't make 
a fool of yourself. If there's any- 



thing I hate it's to see people making 
fools of themselves, [soi^^] 

Frd No, this no time to cry. 
Dot is vat my fadder said when our 
cow died. "Don't you cry, my boy; 
he says, "It might have been your 
mudder." 

Nan [son(/—To-morroic 's Our 
Wedding Day, ] 

Aunt Betsy don't you cry, 

Wipe the tear-drops from your eye. 

For our wedding day is coming on the 
morrow. 

The girls will all be there, 
Apple-blossoms in their hair— 

And our wedding day that's coming on 
the morrow. 



All the boys will be there, you know. 

All the girls will be there, high O! 
There'll be singing and dancings 
There'll be dancing and singing; 

All the boys will be there, you know, 

All the girls will be there, high O! 
Won't we have a jolly time, for to-mor- 
row 's our wedding day. 

During chorus Nannie and Frederick waltz 
about stag-e. Betsy watches them a moment, 
catches the fever and goes in reg-ardless. Af- 
ter song, Betsy X's quickly to table and com- 
mences to arrange dishes, as if she had not 
participated in the waltz. Nannie staggers 
exhausted to the bench. Frederick leans ov- 
er well. 

Nan I'm all out of breath. 

Bet {who is out of breath) You 
ought to be. If there is anything 
I despise in this world it's dancing. 
Nannie, come here and hel]) me 
clear off the table. 

Nan Yes, ma'am. 

Enter Wicks, "L 3 E," followed by J. J. 
Johnstone and Robert B. Bolter. 



Wig {motions 
dam) Gentlemen, 
lady — ^lace cap — - 
Ditto. Just so. 



with memoran-' 

this way. Old 

dinner waitins'. 



Wicks stands at gate "C" for J. and B. to 
pass. Frederick Xs and sits upon bench with 
Nanuik. Bets> braces herself against the ta' 
ble and stares at the intruders. 

NOTE— J. J. J. Is a portly, weak-minded old 
fellow, clad in duck-linen, and a great deal of 
showy jewelry, and carries besides a great 



jrrany airs wfiioh are wot natural with him. 
Bolter, a portly gentleman, in similar duck- 
linen, with less jewelry, and decidedly up to 
the tricks of the worid. He assumes the pom- 
posity of J. J. J. and echos his sentin»ent&. 

Jo Wicks, after nie. 
Rob. And me, Mr. Wicfes. 
Bet Well, gentlemen? 
Jo [howing loiu^ Good woman, 
good day. 

Rob Good day, good woman. 
Wic Page 15. We have met. 
Jo Wicks, get out of the lot, 
Rob Out of the lot, sir. 

Wicks retires to gate "C." During remain- 
der of scene he can decoi-ate fence with pla- 
cards, but must be careful that be does not 
interrupt scene. 

Bet What do you fools want ? 

Jo Fools t 

Rob Fools I 

Jo She certainly said fools. 

Rob She certainly did. 

Jo. She don't know us. 

Rob No, she don't know us. 

Jo Have you ever seen me be^ 
fore? 

Bet I hope not. 

Jo Ha — I'm Jonathan, your 
brother-in-law. 

Rob Yes, this is Jonathan. 

Bet Well, what of it? 

Rob What of it I Eh I Tell 
her again, Johnny; I don't think 
she understood you. 

Jo Bobbie, I know her. It won't 
work. Sister-in-law, it has been, 
ha — sixteen years since we parted. 

Bet Well, I guess I know that 
almost as well as you do. 

Rob But my dear, madam. 

Jo Don't, Bobbie, it won't work. 
No doubt, sister-in-law; no douljt. 
Emily is dead. The past is dead. 
There is nothing living now but — 
ha — the present. Let us live in the 
present. 

Bet You can live where you 
please for all I care. 



Jo Yes. Sister-in-Taw, T have 
come for my daughter. 

Bet Then I advise you to go- 
back to where yoai come from with- 
out her. 

Jo {ntbs his hrtyws net'voush/ 
'witli kerchief) We will see, sister- 
in-law. Ell, Bobbie? 

Rob Riglit, Johnny,- right. 

Nan {aside to Fred.} I guess; 
that's ray pa. 

FEr> aside YeWj I vouldn't 
know dot if you didn't tell me' 

Jo {Xs to Nannie} Is this 
young lady my daughter? 

Nan No, she isn't. 

Jo Sister-in-law 

Frd Diiln't you hear rat she 
said! 

Jo Sister-in-law, is tliis young 
lady my daughter? 

Bet She used to be. 

Jo Nannie, ha — I believe your 
name is Nannie? 

Nan If you're my pa you ought 
to know my name. 

Jo I ought. Yes. But, ha — it 
has been such a long time. And so 
many changes. I have not always 
been as I am now. I was poor 
once, wasn't I, Bobbie? 

Rob And in del)t. 

Jo But I, ha — never forgot. I 
always intended to come after you. 
Didn't I always say so, Bobbie? 

Rob Certainly. I remember 
your saying the night before you 
made the grand discovery; "To- 
morrow, Bobbie, I shall go for my 
daughter. 

Jo You hear. Won't you shake 
hands with me? 

Nan Well, I don't mind shaking 
hands, 

Jo Ha — won't you kiss me? 

Nan No, I wont. 

Jo Why? 

Nan ' 'Cause I don't know you. 



9 

Fed aside Don't know her own 
f adder; veil, I vouldn't have be- 
lieved dot. 

Jo Didn't sister-in-law ever tell 
you about me ? 

Nan Yes, but never in a way 
that made me anxious to see 3^ou. 

Jo No doubt, no doubt, {aside 
to R) Just as you said, Bobbie. 

Rob Just as I said. 

Jo Nannie, I have come to take 
you back with me — back to the city. 
I am rich now, and getting richer. 
I waited a long time for something 
to turn up, but it came after many 
years, and here I am to take you 
back to the city. 

Bet aside I'd like to see him! 

Fed Veil, I don't know if you 
vill or not. 

Jo Who is this German? 

Nan Frederick. 

Jo. Your friend? 

Nan He's more than that. 

Jo Not, not 

Fed Yes, he is. It's all settled. 



Jo We came just in time, Bob- 
bie. 

Rob We certainly did. 

Jo Nannie, you will, ha — go 
back with me to the city. You 
shall have everything you want. 
Shall she not, Bobbie? 

Rob Everything. 

Nan {taking Frederick's hand) 
I'm much obliged, sir; but I have 
everything I want. 

Fed aside Dot's me. 

Jo The cottage is small. The 
town is dull, and when you are in 
the city, with the lights, ha — and 
the music, ha — you will see a great 
many things you want. 

Nan \_looking at Frederich~\ 
Then I might not. That's the rea- 
son I don't want to go* 

Jo But you shall have them all. 
Shan't she Bobbie? 



Rob She shall, Johnny. 

Jo You see I am growing old. 
I am much older than Bobbie, not 
in years, but here and here, (touch- 
head and chest) I want some one 
to amuse me in my old age. Some 
one to sit at my right hand, and 
share the honors of my grand re- 
ceptions. Think of it, my child; at 
my right hand, at my grand recep- 
tions. And you shall have admirers, 
and silks, and jewels, and laces, and 
every thing you want. 

Rob aside If that don't move 
her, she's inhuman. 

Nan Can I have my Aunt 
Betsv? 

Jo"' Eh, Bobbie? 

Rob Certainly. 

Nan And — Frederick ? 

Bolter nods his head negatively. 

Jo You forget who I am. You 
would want him now, but not next 
month, not next year, after the 
grand reception; and you at my 
right hand, and admirers by scores 
— not after that. Young man, you 
wouldn't stand in her way? You 
wouldn't; not if you love her — not 
if you love her. 

Fed Why, vouldn't I! If she 
loves me and I love her, we vould 
stand in nobody's vay. I can't give 
her grand receptions; but she can 
sit at my left hand or my right 
hand, just as she pleases. When you 
say I stand in her vay, I don't un- 
derstand you. 

Jo You certainly do, young 
man. She is rich. You are poor, or 
that is she will be some day. You 
can't give her the advantages that, 
ha — I can; that I have neglected to 
give her in days gone hj. 

Fed Dot's so. I can't give her 
very much. All I've got is my 
mudder, and myself, and dot leddle 



10 



house; but Avhat I have got, she is 
velcome to it. 

Jo Speak, Nannie. Why are 
you so silent? Is it the gay life in 
the city, and the grand receptions, 
and the scores of admirers! Would 
you not have all these 

Frd Or dot leddle house! 

.Jo And the laces, and the silks, 
and the jewels 



Frd Or dot leddle house! 
Nan (running info Frederick's 
arms) That little house! 



Betsy, table "R." Bolter, well 
"rt." Fred, and Nan. "C." 



PICTURE. 



Jo. 



CURTAIN. 



AGT II 



TIME — One year Later. A June afternoon 

PLACE— New York. 

SCENE — Drawing room in J. J. J's house, 5th Avenue. Door 

"C" IN FLAT, DOOR ""R" AND "L." TaBLE, CHAIRS AND DESK '^R.'\ 

Sofa AND CHAIRS ^'L." Bric-a-brac. Elaborately furnished. 

AT RISE OF CURTAIN— J. J. J. seated near tablr, feet on 
foot-rest, head back and covered with 'kerchief. Wicks up- 
on SOFA AND READING FROM MEMORANDUM. 



Wic (reading) Pagp 45. Ad- 
vertised in the City Hall. Arrested 
and paid damages. 

Jo The d— 1 with that. 

Wic Thed—1 with page 45? 

Jo Yes. What about the young 
German ? 

Wic Page 52. The German. 

Jo That s the idea; the German. 

Wic Page 52. German disap- 
peared — called at house — no house 
— derrick — light and fuel— inquir- 
ies — German sold — whereabouts un- 
known. 

Jo German sold! 

Wic Page 53. Farm — gas. 

Jo Gas! 

Wic Gusher. 

Jo Blowed up! (ijawning) I 
am glad of it. 



Wic Page 53 or 4? 
Jo Hold your tongue. 
Wic I will look it up in my 
memorandum. 

He commences to leaf his book. Enter R. 
Bolter, "D C." 

Rob Ho, ho, ha, ha! Trying to 
take a nap? Your pardon for 
coming up unannounced. 

Jo Eh! Is that you, Bobbie! 
(rises and shake hands) Delighted! 
Delighted! Sit down. 

Rob Certainly. 

He Xs and sits upon sofa, which Wlcks has 
vacated, looTcs about apartment, tests wall 
with hammer, and during the following tacks 
up a placard. 

Rob I dropped in, Johnny, to 

see how our daughter is coming 
around. 



11 



Jo (ruhVing his hands) All 
tsmiles and contentment, Bobbie; 
all smiles and contentment. Will 
be a picture aft«r the first grand 
reception — a picture. 

Rob To be sure. Ah, has she 
discovered the trick? 

Jo Trick, Bobbie! 

Rob Subterfuge? 

Jo Subterfwgei 

Rob No, no; th<* plain fact of 
the case. That she should have her 
Oerman, in time, Johnny, Trick? 
No. Subterfuge? No. "Fact? Cer- 
tainly, (seeing Wicks t<iclring up 
placard^ rists) Demme! Wicks i 

Jo Wicks! Demme! 

Wic I will look it up in my 
memorandum. 

Jo How dare you, sir, mutilate 
my walls! 

Rob Mr. Wicks, answer us. 

Wic Page 1. Judicial adver- 
tisement 

Jo Leave the room! 

Rob Get out! 

Exit "D C," Wicks, 

Rob (taking former seat) A 
good agent, Wicks; but too ambi- 
tious. 

Jo Decidedly too ambitious. 

Rob By the by, Johnny, you 
have heard me speak of my son? 

Jo Your son — nice bov. A chip 
off the old block. Eh, Bobbie! 

Rob Intelligent, upright, hand- 
some, obedient. Everything a son 
could be, Johnny. Has just re- 
turned from Harvard. You'll like 
him. He's a catch — a veritable 
catch. Mark my work, wlien our 
daughter sees him, she" 11 forget her 
German. 

Jo I trust so, Bobbie. Nothing 
would please me better. It would 
be a new link between us. (siglis) 



But my daughter is sadly in wanl 
of polish. 

Rob But he'll polished her. He's 
so polished, she'll catch it from him^ 

Noise outside and cries, "Don't Aunt Betsy, 
— You know what.you'il get.""^ &c. Johnstone 
and Bolter jump to their teet and look at each 
other. Naunie appears at "D C." 

Nast Look out for the locomo- 
tive! Here comes Aunt Betsy! 

Nannie gets behind Bolter. 

Rob That^'s right, my dear, I'll 
protect you. 

Betsy appears at "D C" with toag gad. 

Bet Where is she! Oh, there 
you are! 

Nan Please don''t let her take 
me! 

Betsy and Nannie 8ee*saw about Bolter, 
who Is pulled roughly from side to side. 

Rob My good woman! My dear 
child! 

Jo (rises and crosses) Sister-in- 
law, ha— sister-in-law! 

Bet Brother-in-law, keep your 
seat. 

Jo [askh and falliHg into seat] 
She'll be the ruin of me. 

Bet Nannie, are you coming 
out from behind that thing! 

Jo aside Bobbie, a thing! Oh, 
Lord! 

Rob aside Here's an opportu- 
nity to win the girl's gratitude. 
aloud Stay where you are, child; I 
will protect you. 

Bet [brings gad down with a 
a crash] Oh, you will, will you! 

Bolter jumps to one side, Betsy captures 
Nannie and leads her "C." 

Bet Now, I have you. 

Nan Yes, ma'am. 

Rob Madam, you dare to strike 
that child! 

Jo [aside to Bob] Bobbie, it 
won't work. 



12 



Bet [wlio has turned and is 
staring liim out of countenance] Do 
you wan't my opinion of you! 

Rob [ straightening himself ] 
Madam! 

Bet Nannie, hold this gad. Sir, 
You're a prying, fussy, meddlesome 
nobody. 

Jo aside I knew it wouldn't 
work. 

Rob a fussy, madam! 

Jo [aside to Boh. hut overheard 
hj Betsy] Don't mind lier, Bobbie. 

Bet [turns quicUy upon John.] 

Bet What did you say, sir! 

Jo Sister-in-law 

Rob aside It won't work. 

Bet [to John] You're a weak, 
silly, old fossil ! 

Jo What! 

Bet a weak, silly, old fossil. 
And it's a great pity, you're the 
father of this sweet, abused, unpro- 
tected little angel. Nannie, kiss 
me. Yes, sir; it's a shame, Nan- 
nie, kiss me again. 

Betsy breaks down, wipes her eyes, Xs to, 
and turns at "D C." 

Bet Nannie. 
Nak Yes, Aunt Betsy. 
Bet I'll box your ears after sup- 
per. Come to my room. 
Nak Yes, ma'am. 

Exit "DC." Betsy. 

Rob [vehemeningthj] The old 
spitfire! The old termigant! 

Nan [threatenly] Say, who 
are you calling names. Don't you 
call my Aunt Betsy names, cause 
she's been just too good to me for 
any use — she has, and she's a sight 
better than you are, and I won't 
stand it. Down at the Forks where 
I was raised, they know how to 
fight, they do; and I'll fight every 
time for my A unt Betsy ! 

Johnstone tries to quiet her in pantomime 



Rob aside She must take after 
her mother. 

Jo My dear! Now, my child; do' 
not forget yourself. Ha — I fear 
you have neglected your little blue 
book lately — your little etiquette^ 
my dear. 

NA]sr And I don't intend to read 
it any more. I'm not like you, pa. 

Jo Papa, ray pet. 

Johnson Xs with her and sits upon sofa. She 

kneels beside him. Bolter Sooks about stage. 

- Nan Well, papa, then. I'm not 
used to this sort of life; I wasn't 
brought up to it. Down there by 
the Forks, they were all good peo- 
ple, mostly; who wasn't particular 
what they said, so they didn't call 
each other bad names, like he called 
my Aunt Betsy. And they didn't 
study etiquette either. 'Cause why; 
'cause they did unto others as they 
wished to be done by. That's all 
the etiquette they know at the dear, 
old Forks. And I'm a Forker, pa, 
and you can't make me any different. 

Rob But, my child — 

Nan I wasn't talking to you, 
sir. 

Jo Tut, tut, my pet! 

Nan Pa — I mean, papa — It has 
been a long time since I was at the 
Forks? 

Jo Ha — yes, my pet. 

Nan Ain't I never going back 
there no more? 

Jo By and by, dear; by and by. 

Nan When'sthat? 

Jo Eh, Bobbie? 

Rob After the grand reception. 

Jo Yes, after the grand recep- 
tion. 

Nan When 's that? 

Jo Eh, Bobbie? 

Rob By and by. 

Nan Say, papa, when I'm dead, 
are you going to bury me down in 
the Forks? 



13 



Jo My dear, what's that! 

Nan Well, papa, the grand re- 
ception must come pretty quick. 
'Cause why? 'Cause I don't think 
I'm going to live very long. 

Jo Bobbie, do you hear her! 
My dear, don't talk that way, don't! 
Demme, it isn't etiquette! 

Rob We must have the grand 
reception. 

Jo Immediately. Monday ? 

Rob Monday, 

Nan Well, I will try to live un- 
til Monday. 

Jo You must, my child. 

Nan Well, I won't live much 
longer if I don't soon get back to 
the Forks. 

Felix (icithin) Deah fellah, I 
can find the way up myself. Weally. 

Rob That's my son. 

Jo A young man coming to see 
you, my pet. Remember your little 
blue etiquette. 

Nan Oh, g-e-e! 

Bolter meets Felix at "D C and embraces 
him. 

Rob My boy, my boy! {lead- 
ing him ' C" — aside) That's the 
girl. Make love to her, or I'll tear 
you in threads, (aloud aad smiling) 
Let me make acquainted my be- 
loved son, Felix, to my old friend, 
worthy, immortal, a friend in need 
and a friend indeed, J. J. Johnstone, 
Esq. 
Felix offers the tips of his flngrers to Johnson. 

Jo Delighted to meet the son of 
my ingenuous friend, worthy R. B. 
Bolter, Esq. 

Fel Y-a-a-s. By Jove, you flat- 
tab the Gov'nor; or, that is, you 
flattahhis son. 

Jo aside So polished, aloud 
Allow me to make you acquainted 
with my daughter, Miss Johnstone. 

Nannie makes^a stupendous bow. 



Fel Y-a-a-s, by Jove. De- 
lighted. 

Bolter pinches Felix. 

Rob Say something! 

Fel (wincing) Ah! 

Rob You and Felix will be 
great friends, (pinches Felix) 

Fel Y-a-as, great friends. 

Nan Sir, beg your pardon, but 
will you please turn 'round? 

Fel Ah, turn wound! 

Rob (aside to Felix) Turn 
'round! 

Felix turns around. There is a placard, "J. 
J. J. For Corns," upon his back. Nannie, 
laughing', removes it. 

Nan Oh, dear! 

Jo Demme, Wicks! 

Rob Wicks, again ! Don't blush, 
Felix, (aside to Felix) Don't make 
an ass of yourself. 

Fel (aside to his father) But 
I can't help it, gov'nor. 

Jo I beg your pardons for my 
agent. Wicks. 

Enter -'D C." Flossy Titters. 

Flossy I beg your pardon. Oh, 
Felix, I see you're heah. I saw 
you entah. I twust you won't 
think me wude. Because I'm such 
a silly little thing, and, you know, 
deah boy, you promised to drive 
with me this morning, and the 
deah, little pony 's below and — say, 
arn't you going to intwoduce me? 

During above Nannie pins placard upon her 
father. 

Rob aside She'll ruin every- 
thing. 

Jo aside Such polish. 

Fel Y-a-a-s. Miss Titters, Mr. 
Johnstone — my father, ah — Miss 
Johnstone. 

Nan ( taking Miss Titter's hand ) 
I'm glad to meet you. I don't 
know many girls here; only Mar 



14 



Ann, and she waits on the table. 
Gee, this is a dull place — don't you 
think so? 

Jo {to Bolter) See the differ- 
erence between those two. My 
child! My child! 

Fls No, I don't find it dull, (to 
Felix) Ah, deah boy? 

Rob (aside to and pinching Fe- 
lix) Demme, say it's dull. 

Fel {wincing) Dera it! 

Nan ) Hello! 

Fls \ Deah boy! 

Jo ^ Eh! ■ 

Rob aside What a consummate 
ass that boy is. 

Fel Well, by jove, you know, 
1— I 

Nan Yes, I think you did. 

Fls My little deah, you're 
wight. Ah, deah boy? 

Fel Y-a-a-s. 

Nak Won't you all sit down. 

Jo Yes, do; I beg your pardon. 

Fls No, thank you. I have an 
engagement with Felix; we are go- 
ing to Mrs Philliper's art collection. 
She has a little Cupid in Mosaic, I 
am very anxious to purchase. Ah, 
deah boy ? 

Rob And you have an engage- 
ment with your father, you had for- 
gotten! Eh, dear boy? 

Nan If I was you, Felix, I 
would go to Philliper's, and buy the 
little Cupid set to music. 

Fls She's quite wight. Ah, deah 
boy? 

Rob aside If she says that 
again, I'll throttle her. 

Nan Well, why don't you folks 
go? 

Jo Tut, tut, my pet! 

Fls aside What a wude thing 

she is. aloud Come, Felix, my 

deah, little pony will be getting ner- 

ous about me. {Xing to Nannie) 



My deah, I twust we shall meet 
again. 

Nan I'm afraid we won't. 

Fls I'm suah we shall, Call on 
me. Berryview flats. Wing the 
second bell, and take the elevatah. 
{takes Felix' arm) Come, deah 
boy. All revoir. 

Fel Y-a-a-s. Ta, ta. 

Nan Our voy. 

Jo Good morning, call again. 

Rob aside To the d — 1 with 
them! 

Exit "DC," Felix and Flossy. 

Jo Bobbie, I'm quite delighted 
with your son. So polished. And 
Miss Titters, ha — positively delight- 
ful. 

Nan aside Down our way we 
send such things to an asylum. 

Rob She's an old friend of our 
family — a second cousin, or a forty- 
second cousin. She and Felix were 
brought lip together. 

Nan Sweethearts? 

Rob Not at all. 

Nan Oh, no; of course not. 

Nannie Xs to sofa. Johnston seated at ta- 
ble, Bolter opposite. Enter "D C," Betsy. 

Bet Brother-in-law, will you 
come down stairs. Wicks has 
tacked one of those abominable ''J 
J. J's." upon the piano, and is now 
pasting them all over the front door. 

Johnstone and Bolter jump to their feet. 

Jo Demme, Wicks! 
Rob Wicks, again! 
Bet If you don't discharge that 
man, I will. 

Jo He shall be discharged. 
Rob Immediately. 
Jo Come. 

They lock arms and exit "D C," Betflv lead- 
ing the way. 

Nan Poor, old Wicks, he's dis- 



15 



charged at least a dozen times a day. 
*'No, ma'am," says Mr. Wicks. 
*Tage 2. Contract — year of our 
Lord— 1900." Year of our Lord? 
I wonder what he means by that? 
Monday 's the grand reception. 
Tuesday, I start for the Forks, I 
wonder what Fred*^rick will say 
when he sees me? Gee, won't he 
stare. [looks herself or<?rJ Fll take 
all these things off and put on the 
little pink calico. Frederick used 
to say, I looked so pretty in my lit- 
tle pink calico. 

SPECIALTY, in which case entrances changre. 

Fed [icifhin'\ Don't you mind. 
Second door to the left. Veil, don't 
put yourself out. 

Nan Who's that! 

Wic [icifhhi] Page 71. Eti- 
quette — must show you up. 

Enter "D C," Wicks and Frederick. 

Wic Page 72. Be seated. 

Fbd Don't trouble yourself. 

Nan aside How fine he looks. 

Fed I wonder where she is! 

Nan I wonder why he doesn't 
see me? 

Frd Leddle Miss Johnsione, 
look at me! 

Nan Oh, g-e-e! 

Frd [Xing and takes herhands^ 
How you vas! 

Nan Oh, Fm well; how are you! 

Fed Veil, I vouldn't have 
known you. 

Nan You don't seem very glad 
to see me. 

Fed I never vas so tickled in all 
my life. 

Nan Then why don't you kiss 
me? 

Fed [laughing'] Veil, I didn't 
know. 

Nan Why don't you? 

Fed Och Gott! 



Nan You arn't afraid to kiss 
me, are you ? 

Fed I vas at first, but I ain't 
now. 

Nan Well, come on. 

Fed [fakes her hands] 
two [hands hat to 



Take my hat and hang it 

side. Vun, two You 

if you vant to. Vun, two- 
ain't you got no manners! 



Vun, 
Wicks] 

up out- 
can go 

— Say, 



Exit Wicks. 



Fed Vun, two, dree, [kisses her] 

Nan Oh, g-e-e ! 

Fed Das ist ous get zeignet. 
Say, [holding her from him] How 
nice you do look. 

Nan And how nice you do look. 
[drawing him to sofa] Come over 
here, and sit down. I've got so 
much to tell you. 

They sit tOKCther upon the sofa. 

Fed And Fve got so much to 
tell you. 

Nan Say, where did you get all 
your store-clothes? 

Fed Didn't you hear? 

Nan No. 

Fed Is dot so! Veil, you see, 
after you vas gone, things didn't 
seem to go as they used to. My 
mudder — you hear about her? 

Nan No. 

Fed My mudder vas took sick. 
And vun night she called me to her, 
and she say, "Frederick, I'm going 
to leave you." And I say, mudder, 
you must not talk like dot; Nannie 
she vas gone, Aunt Betsy she vas 
gone, and if you go, I vill be all 
alone. And then I kneeled beside 
her and kissed her, and she grew so 
vite and pale. ''Mudder," I said, 
"speak to me." But she vouldn't 
speak — my mudder vas dead. I vas 
all alone. 



16 



Nan" Frederick, 

Fed Veil. 

Nan Kiss me again. You're 
not alone now. 

Fed No, I vas not alone now? 

Nan Frederick, what happened 
after your mother— died? 

Fed I don't know. Tlie fann 
grew up all in veeds, and the house 
seemed to miss my raudder so, it 
commenced falling avay piece by 
piece. Vun day, I vas sitting by 
my front door, and some men came 
along, and they say: "'Young man, 
there vas oil in this neighborhood,'' 
and I say, "Veil, I don't know." 
And then they come with big dar- 
ricks, and down, and down, and 
down went the drill and up came 
the 

Nan Oil. 

Fed No, it vas gas. 

Nan Wasn't that nice. 

Fed Yes, and then I sold out 
for more money then I think there 
was in all the world, and as soon as 
I got it, I thought of leddle Miss 
Johnstone, and here I vas. 

Nan And ain't you glad to see 
me? 

Fed I should say I vas. 

Nan Kiss me again. 

He kisses her. 

Fed Och gott! 

Nan And, say, Frederick? 

Fed Veil. 

Nan You will never leave me 
again ? 

Fed Never again — unless, you 
vas like the lass in the story, my 
mudder used to tell us. 

Nan The story? Oh, yes — what 
was it now — I remember. About 
"The clock that went coo-coo." Tell 
it to me again. 

Fed (sings) 



THE CLOCK DOT GOES COO-COO. 

'Twas an old, old clock, with a quaint 
tick, tock. 

Dot goes, coo, coo! 
Softly, coo, coo! 
And it hangs onthe vail like a comet, 
tail and all. 

And says, coo, coo; 
Sweetly, coo, coo! 
When he asked her if she loved him, 
dot old clock just above him — 
It said, coo, coo! 
Softly, coo, coo! 
She von't tell him if she loves him, but 
dot old clock just above him — 
It says, coo, coo! 
Only, coo, coo! 
Coo, coo! 

Sighs the old, old clock, with a quaint 
tick, tock! 

And its coo, coo! 
And its coo, coo! 
Love, ah, she is dead, roses twined about 
her head — 

Sadly, coo, coo! 
Sighs the coo, coo! 
And he asked her if she loved him, 
while the angels soared above them. 
Listen, coo, coo! 
Says the coo, coo! 
And the angels sweep above him bearing 
her who never loved him. 
Says the coo, coo! 
Only coo, coo! 
Coo, coo! 

Nan And he never found out 
if she loved him? 

Fed Never found it out. 

Nan But if he had told her 
once upon a time, and that time was 
a long time ago, and they had been 
separated, and he had come back to 
her, and — don't you know? 

Fed No. 

Nan Don't you think she 
would? 

Fed If he asked her? 

Nan Yes. 

Fed Yes, Fm sure he vould. 

Nan Just like you and me, 
Frederick. 

Fed Just like you and me. 

Nan Separated like we were, 
and brought together like we were. 

Fed Just lik e we were. 



17 



Nax Then I guess you can kiss 
nie again. 

He kisses her, and enter. "D C," in time to 
catch them at it, Betsy. 

Bet Tut. tut, what's the mean- 
ing of this! 

Frd {(/etfi}uj at one end of sofa) 
Ochgott!' 

Nan {f/effinj/ at fJie other end of 
sofa) Goodness me! 

Bet Who have you got with 
you ! 

Nan Don't you know him ? 

Frd Aunt Betsy, how you vas! 

Bet Hello! What on earth 
Ijrought you to this outlandish 
place! I thought you had more 
sense! (embraces him, and holding 
hitn aivay from her) Well, you are 
got up to kill. You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself. I heard about 
your good fortune — take care, you 
don't take to drinking and end your 
days in the poor house. I'm awful- 
ly ^1 ad to see you. 

Frd So you vas glad to see me? 
{places his ami around Betsij) I 
vas glad to see you. 

Bet Where have you got your 
arm ! 

Frd {quicl-hj removes liis arm) 
Nowhere. 

Bet Don't be foolish, put it 
back where it was. {he does so) 
Now tell me, how is everything at 
the Forks? Just as much lying 
and gossiping going on since I left ? 

Frd Veil, not quite so much, 
Aunt Betsy. 

Bet {breaking away from him) 
What! 

Frd I don't mean dot. 

Nan No. he don't mean that. 

Bet Hold your tongue ! Fred- 
erick, that's an insult I didn't ex- 
pect from you! 

Frd I swear he didn't mean dot. 



When I said there vasn't so much 
gossiping since you left vas because 
you vas here. 

Nan That's it, because you was 
here. 

Bet Because I was here! 

Fed No. I don't mean dot, 
either. 

Nan No. of covirse he don't. 

Bet Did anybody ever hear of 
such impertinence ! 

Nan But, Aunt 

Bet Hold your tongue! {to 
Frederick) I wan't you to remem- 
ber this is my house, or that is, I 
run it; and if you're not out of it 
by the time I cool off, you know 
what you'll get! 

Exit Betsy. 

Frd Aunt Betsy isn't changed 
much. 

Nan No, nothing ever changes 
Aunt Betsy. 

Talking- outside. 

Frd Who's dot? 

Nan My papa. 

Frd Your who! 

Nan Papa. 

Frd Friend of the family? 

Nan Yes, somewhat. 

Frd Don't believe I ever met 
him. 

Nan Yes, you did. He's my pa. 

Frd Veil, t didn't know, I never 
heard his front name before. 

Talking outside. 

Nan They are coming in here. 
Sit down here. 
Frd {sits iqjon sofa) All right. 

Nannie X's to chair near table. 

Frd Where are you going? 

Nan Over here. It's etiquette, 
you know. 

Frd Veil, I didn't know; I 
thought it vas your f adder. 



18 



Nan It is. 

Frd Oh, then it vas the other 
old man who vas with him ? 

Jo {uiflrin) He insulted you! 
Bet {iriflihi) To my face. 
Rob {irithin) The scoundrel! 
Frd Dot's me. 

Enter "D C," Johnstone and Bolter followed 
by Aunt Betsy. 

Jo Where is he ! 

Rob Show him to me! 

Nannie Xs quiclily to Frederick. 

Frd These fellows vant to fight. 
{parfhj dyawhuj off his coat) All 
right. 

Nan Dont, Frederick! 

Rob {behind Johnson) Give it 
to him, Johnny. Show your sister- 
in-law you're a man of iron. 

Nan' [aside to Frederick) Aunt 
Betsy 's been making a fool of her- 
self. 

Jo ( who is vigorously attempting 
to look terrible) Young man, how 
dare you, ha — audaciously insult my 
sister-in-law ! 

Rob That's good, Johnny, Give 
it to him. You re starting in beau- 
tifully. 

Jo My sister-in-law, who is the 
pride, ha — and prop of my declining 
years. You not only insulted her, 
sir, but you insulted her to her face ! 

Rob Go in, Johnny! Go in! 

Jo And I order you from the 
house, sir, ha — from the house. 
There's the door. Bobbie, show 
him the door. 

Rob Young man, there's the 
door. 

Nan {aside to Fred.) Don't 
you go. 

Frd You vant me to go! All 
right. But tell me vat have I done! 
Insulted Aunt Betsy ! Why, we vas 
the best of friends. 



Jo Show him the door! 

Nan Pa, you're always talking 
about etiquette, but I've read it 
enough to know it isn't polite to 
order people out of your house. 

Rob Young man, do you see the 
door ! 

Frd Aunt Betsy, did you tell 
these men to come up here and put 
me out? Vat do you say? You 
don't say nothing? Veil, dot's all 
right. When my mudder died, she 
said, , ''Frederick, don't you cry, 
'cause Aunt Betsy vill be your mud- 
der when I am gone." And when I 
come here, you bring these men to 
put me out. Veil, I didn't think 
dot of you. My mudder, up 3'onder 
didn't think dot of you! But, all 
right, I vill go! 

Nan And I will go with you! 

Jo What! 

Rob Eh! 

Bet (co)ning down) Don't eith- 
er of you dare to go — you know 
what you'll get if you do! 

Rob Demme, what does this 
mean ! 

Jo aside I was afraid it 
wouldn't work, aloud Sister-in- 
law! 

Bet You're a nice looking pair. 
I'm ashamed of you; you heartless, 
old ruffians, ordering a poor, moth- 
erless boy out of your house a hot 
day in June! 

Rob aside The woman's mad! 

Jo But didn't he insult you! 

Rob And didn't you tell us to 
come up here and throw him out! 

Bet Well, is that any of your 
business ! 

Jo But sister-in-law, be reasona- 
ble! 

Bet Don't talk! 

Jo But this is my house! 

Nan Hurrah, for pa! 

Bte How dare you tell me this 



19 



as your honsel You silly, old med- 
dlesome nobodies; get out of my 
sight, both of youi 

Frd Dot's right, Auut Betsy, 
give it to them! 

Nan Three cheers for Aunt 
Betsy! 

Rob My good woman 

Fredeiicfcaud Nannie encourage Aunt Bet- 
sy during' the following-, with cheers and clap- 
ping ot hands, and encouraging expressions. 
And keep It up to climax. 

Bet (taJklng Bolter and Johti- 
sfone to "D C") I'll show you what 
it is to treat my friends shabbily. 
You wanted to throw him out, 
didn't you. But I'm too smart for 
you. How dare either of you look 
me in the face! How dare you re- 
main in my sight ! In the same 
room with me — in the same atmos- 
phere with me! 

Nan The enemy retreats! Hur- 
rah! 

Fed Go in, Aunt Betsy! 

Jo Sister-iu-law 



Bet Sister-fiddle-de-de > I'm 
not your sister-in-law; I would be 
ashamed of myself if I was. You're 
a bundle of inconsistencies— ^a med- 
dling, tattling, rampagious bundle 
of inconsistencies! Leave the room, 
both of you! 

Johnstone and Bolter stare at each other. 

Jo Come Bobbie. 
Rob Come Johnny. 

They lock arms and cross to '"DC" 

Nan Hurrah, for us! 

{comiiui (hjirn) Come here 
you and hug your Aunt 



Bet 
both of 
Betsy! 



Frederick and Nannie embrace Betsy. 
Johnstone turns at "D C " and is so ovei> 
come by the sight he faints and is supported 
by Bolter. 



PI'^TXTRE. 



CURTAIN. 



AQT III 



TIME — The Grand Receptiox, 
SCENE— Same as Act II. 



AT RISE OF CURTAIN— Quadrille MUSIC within. Enter J. 
J.Johnstone, "D. C." mopping his brows. 

justs his sjjecks] Eh, demme, 
Wicks! [(Kplacard is tacked upon 
the fat., irhich he destroys and scat' 
tersj 



Jo Demme, and at my grand 
reception, [laughing u-itJiinJ There 
he goes again. That Gernian will 
be the death of me — he dances a 
regular country break-down, [^ui'th- 
in, "Su-ing!" ] Takes my daugh- 
ter in his arms and swings her 
about like the governor on an en- 
gine, [laughing u-itJiiuJ I'll fur- 
nish laughter for all the clubs in 
the citv. Hello, what's this. [ad- 



Enter "D. C." quickly Bolter excited. 

Rob Johnny, is there anything 
ridiculous about me? I just passed 
Mrs. Johnieby, and she exclaimed, 
''Dear me," and giggled. Dear me, 
and giggles, that means 



20 



Johnstonefns'pects Bolter, Hhdsa placard, "J. 
J. J.''' and hands it to him. 

Rob One. 

JohnstoHC hands him another. 

Rob Two. 

Still another. 

Rob Tliree. 

Jo [produces No. 4] Wicks-. 

Rob Wicks, again. 

Jo He's got tliera dangling from 
the coat-tails of all the gentlemen 
and trailing after tlie trains of the 
ladies. Wliat's to be done? 

Rob We will discharge him. 

Jo Immediately. 

Rob [fakes J's arm] Fi-om a 
second-story window. 

Jo From the cnpixlo. 

Aboot to exit, B. & J, "1>.C., enter Felix,"D.L." 

Rob Well, my son? 

Fel Gov'nor, could I se e you a 
Moment ? 

Rob Excuse me, Johnny. Cer- 
tainly, my son. 

Bolter X'8 down "C." Johnstone remains at 
"D C." looking- out. 

Fel Gov'^nor, she won't dance 
with nie. 

Rob No? 

Fel By jore, she won't dance 
with anybody but the German. Fact. 

Rob Felix, you're an ass. 

Fel Y-a-a-s, Gov'nor. 

Rob [turning to J.] Johnny, 
my son brings me some sad intelli- 
gence. 

Jo Ha— I trust noif. 

Rob [using he rchief freely] He 
is completely Ijroken up. And, no 
wonder; my old aunt, the one with 
the yellow mole on her face and the 
odd millions in the National, has 
been prostrated with a fever. 

Jo You have my sympathy. 

Rob I can stand it, Johnny; but 



my son., (aside to Kelfx) Out 
with your 'kerchief, you idiot, aloud 
Johnny let me rest in solitude. Age 
finds a Irnlm in solitude, but not sO' 
with youth. Youth craves sympa- 
thy, (aside to Felix} Use your 
Tcerchief. edoud Your daughter, 
Johnny, is a sympathetic soul. She 
will sympathize with him. {jjusji- 
F. tMrards J) Take him to her — 
take him to her. 

Jo Certainly, Robbie. Come, 
ray boy; my daughter will sympa- 
thize with you. She has quite a sym- 
pathetic way about her — quite. My 
boy, come. Bobbie, I will return. 

Exit •^I> C" Johnstone and Felix. 

Rob (at "D C") That boy is 
certainly the most unprecedented, 
genius of "it" that ever wore the 
name of Bolter. Where are they 
going? Oh, yes, straight for Miss 
Nannie, If he don't marry that 
girl, I'll murder him. There's 
Wicks tacking another placard up- 
on the back of an elderly gentle- 
man in gold specks and lavender 
trusers. Wicks ought to be ham- 
strung. And there's Miss Betsy 
buzzing the Rev. Shouter. (turning 
and coming down ""C'J Fine wo- 
man, Bets}^; will get a snug little 
sum when J. J. shuffles off — and he 
has trouble with his heart now. 

Nannie looks in "D C." 

Rob Betsy is a deucedly fine 
woman. A little acid at times, but 
not a bad dose if well sugared. Why 
didn't I think of that before — she's 
just the idea for Mrs. Bolter, No. 2. 

Enter, waltzinpr In "D. C." Nannie. 

Nan Isn't that a lovely waltz. 

Rob Delightful, aside I won- 
der how she eluded Felix. 

Nan First couple lead to the 
right. All swing. Oh Gee! 



21 



ShcKoea through the figure with Bolter which 
brings him "L.." and she near table, "R." 

Rob My dear, I thought I saw 
you with Felix? 

Nan So you did. 

Rob Fm sure I did. 

Nan Yes, but Miss Titters took 
him away from me. 

Rob aside Dem that Miss Tit- 
ters! 

Nan Mr. Bolter, Felix is a nice 
young man? 

Rob It isn't for me to say — Fm 
his father. 

Nan Where was he brought up ? 

Rob Here in the city, my dear; 
that's why he's so polished. 

Nan Well, if he belonged to 
me I would put him out on pasture. 

Rob Pasture? I don't under- 
stand. 

Nan Don't you ? Then I won't 
explain; forFm all out of breath. 

Nannie Xs to sofa. 

Rob Would you like an ice? 
Nan No. aside I wish he 
would go. 

Laughs. 

Rob What are you laughing at, 
my dear? 

Nan (nufsterioushj) You're a 
sly one. 
• Rob Fm a what? 

Nan Oh, don't look innocent. 

Rob (tunting around) Is there 
another placard on my back? 

Nan (Jaughimi) No, no. 

Rob Thev why are you laugh- 
ing? 

Nan Now, don't try to crawl 
out of it. 

Rob Crawl out of it! aside I 
wonder what she's driving at? 

Nan I saw you; you were 
making eyes at my Aunt Betsy. 

Rob Eyf^s ! 



Nan Yes, but then she rather 
likes it. I heard her say so this 
afternoon. 

Rob aside What a blind old 
idiot I have been, aloud My dear, 
now what did she say? 

Nan She said you were an awful- 
ly nice man. 

Rob Did she, my dear? 

Nan aside I think he'll go 
prettv soon. aJoud And, and 

Rob Well, well! 

Nan That if she ever thought 
of getting married, you'd be just 
the sort of a man she'd fancy. 

Rob aside I didn't think the 
woman had such good taste, aloud 
You don't say so, my child? 

Nan No, she said so. 

Rob Miss Betsy? 

Nan Aunt Betsy. 

Rob aside How blind I have 
been. 

Nan She's in the conservatory. 

Rob In the conservatory? 

Nan All alone. 

Rob aside Here's an opportu- 
nity, aloud Excuse me, my dear; 
the atmosphere in this room is op- 
pressive, I think I shall cultivate 
the varanda for a little fresh air. 

Enter Wicks, "D. C," with server and Ices. 

Wic Page 75. Ice in there! 
Rob Wicks, again! 

Bolter and Wicks exit "D. C."— crash outside 
of falling server and glasses. 

Nan (crossing to "D C." ) Poor 
Wicks. Anyway, I'm glad Mr. 
Bolter 's gone. What an old libber 
he is. He's going to the conserva- 
tory. Well, if Aunt Betsy 's there, 
and he tells her what I told him. 
G-e-e, won't he get it! {niusic with- 
in ) Isn' that a delightful waltz ! 
{waltzes about stage to sofa) And 
ain't I delightfully tired. 

Enter "D. C." Frederick. 



22 



Frd (Waltzing) Och gott, r/a.s 
1st ous get zei(jnet\ {stops in front 
of Nannie) Hello, leddle Miss 
Johnstone! Did you ever hear such 
valtzes ? 

Nan Not half as lively as we 
used to have at the Forks. 

Frd Veil, I should say not; but 
then it's good enough for New 
York. You ought to see those peo- 
ple dance in yonder. All swing 
with the tips of their fingers, 
and alamand-left like dot. (bus) 
Veil, they can't come any thing like 
dot on me. Come, leddle Miss 
Johnstone, or we vill forget how it 
is done down at the Forks. First 
couple lead to the right! Balance 
all! Everybody swing! {bus) Dot's 
the vay we do it at the Forks. 

SPECIALTY— In which case. Miss Titters en- 
ters immediately afterwards, 

Frd Leddle Miss Johnstone, you 

look so tired? 

Nan Well, I am. 

Frd Do you van't anything? 

Nan No. 

Frq {takes her fan) Ice cream? 

Nan No. 

Frd Lemonade ? 

Nan No. 

They get their heads very close together, and 
a fan between them and audience. 

Frd Don't van't nothing? 
Nan Yes. 

Enter Miss Titters— Nan and Fred smack their 
lips behind fan. 

"Fls Oh, deah! 

Frd {sees Miss Titters) Och 
gott! Yes, dot last valtz vas lovely. 

Nan Who said anything about 

{sees Miss Titters) Yes, that 

last waltz was lovely. 
Fls Mr. Schane! 

Frd Oh, how you vas; T vouldn't 
know you vas here if T didn't see 
you. 



Fls Deah me ; do I disturb a tete- 
a-tete? 

Frd Why don't you ask him ? 

Fls Fm suah I do. 

Frd Veil, you know as much 
about dot as I do. 

Fls {looks at dancing card) I 
must be a silly little thing^ — — 

Nan aside Fm glad she knows 
it. 

Fls No, I haven't made a mis- 
take, you are on my card for this 
dance. 

Frd T vas on your card? 

Fls Y-a-a-s, I put you down for 
one; kind of me, wasn't it? 

Frd Veil, I don't know. 

Nan \^aside to Fred] Why 
don't you go with her! She's got 
you down. 

Frd Got me down! I vouldnt 
know dot if you didn't tole me. 

Fls Don t think me wude for 
weminding you, because Fm such a 
silly little thing. 

Frd Yes. 

Fls The set 's forming. 

Frd Veil, Fm glad to know dot. 

Fls aside The man is possi- 
tively wude. aloud Come, or, oh. 
deah; we will be too late. 

Frd You vant me to dance 
with you? 

Fls Why, oli, deah, of course I 
do. 

Frd Veil, why didn't you say 
so. Good bye, leddle Miss John- 
stone. 

Exit "D C," Frederick, with Miss Titters hang- 
ing upon his arm. 

Nan [folloiring them to"D ('."] 
Look at her, hanging on his arm. 
The silly thing! She's taking a 
fancy to him; and her taking a 
fancy to anybody isn't the most 
comfortable thing imaginable^ con- 
sidering the manner she follows 
about after Mr. Felix. T wonder if 



23 



anybody is coming to ask me to 
dance. \_Iooks at her card^ One, 
two. three, four. Wliy, T had Fred- 
erick down for this daace, and he's 
dancing with her. [throirs herself 
ujx)n sqfa^ Well, I don't care. I 
wish this old grand reception wii-s 
in kingdom-come! 

Enter "D R," hurriedly. Aunt Betsy. 

Bet I wonder where that child 
is. Oh, there you are. Now. what 
on earth are you doing sprawled out 
there ? 

Nan Meditating. 

Bet Stop it, and come here and 
look me over. Do you see anything 
wrong with my dress? 

Nannie discovers several placards and hands 
them to her. 

Nan That's all. 

Bet All! No wonder every 
body was laughing at me. I'll mui*- 
der Wicks when 1 catch him. 

Enter "D C," Wicks. 

Wig Page 75. Ice in there. 
Bet [^iHctkes a rush for Jiini^ 
Say, do you see these placards! 

Exit Wicks, and crash outside. 

Bet \^t]ir<)iring placards out "D. 
C." ] Take that for your imperti- 
nence! 

Nan Poor Wicks! 

Bet Poor fiddle-de-de ; I'll have 
him discharged in the morning. 
Why are you not dancing y 

Nan Nobody asked me. 

Bet Where's Frederick? 

Nan Dancing with Miss Titters. 

Bet With that abominable Miss 
Titters! Well, I must say I admire 
his taste. It's necessary, I see, for 
me to continually remain in sight to 
have 3^ou proper!}- eared for. Now, 
the very next young man who 
passes this way, will dance with 



you — he will, or he'll wish he had. 

Nan Aunt Betsy, that wouldn't 
be etiquette. 

Bet We'll see whether it is or 
not. 

Nan aside That would be just 
awful. I must get away from her, 
\^Xirt() to (fud leaning over her 
chair} Aunt Betsy 

Bet Well! 

Nan What do you think- 



Bet I don't thi]ik anything. 

Nan Mr. Bolter was in here a- 
few moments ago. 

Bet Mr. Bolter is here, or some 
other place most of his time. 

Nan What do you think he 
said? 

Bet Something ridiculous. 

Nan He said you was a deuced- 
ly line woman. 

Bet What! 

Nan Yes, he did. 

Bet Well, he's a fool. 

Nan And he .said — and he 
dropped upon his knees in front of 

the sofa, like this-^ (she crosses 

and kneels in front of sofa) He 
took you for the sofa, you know. 

Bet He took me for a sofa! I 
would like to see him do it again! 

Nan And he said my lovely 
Aunt Betsy. 

Bet He never said anything of 
the sort: he knows what he'd get if 
he did. 

Nan No, he said it to the sofa. 
He took you for the sofa, don't you 
understand. He said, "Betsy. I love 
vou better than the birds that £}■." 

Bet The birds that fly! 

Nan "And the moon that glim- 
mers." 

Bet Old Bob Bolter said that! 

Nan Yes. old Bob Bolter. And 
he reached over and got the cushion 
and hugged it. and said, "Betsy, we 
will get married in October." 



24 



Bet Old Bob Bolter said that! 

Nan" Hope I may live if he 
didn't. 

Bet Where is he! 

Nan" He'^s looking for you in 
the ball room. 

Bet {crossing fo"D C") Well, 
he will find me I And he took me 
for a sofa, and said we would get 
married in October? 

Nan Yes. 

Bet He will find me I 

Exit Betsy "D C ." 

Nan There is going to he a fuss 
in this house. 

Nannie throws herself upon sofa — enter from 
conserratory, "D L," Felix. 

Fel Ah, there you are; Fve 
been looking for you everywhere. 
Where have you been? 

Nan I have been looking for 
you. 

Fel By jove, quite a coincident. 

Nan Yes. 

Fel {after an embarrassinr/ 
pause) Do you know 

Nan No'. 

Fel We missed the last set- 

Nan How odd. 

Fel Y-a-a-s. Can I sit down ? 

Nan {making a place deside her 
on the sofa) Here? 

Fel Y-a-a-s, if you don't 

Nan Oh, I don't. 

Felix drops into the seat beside her. Bolter 
enters from "D L." 

Rob aside Demme, the boy 's 
getting on. aloud Hem! I jjeg 
your pardon. Miss Betsy was not 
in the conservatory. 

Nan I think she is in the library. 

Rob Then I will find her. 

Nan Yes, she said you would. 

Enter "D C," Wicks. 

Wic Page 75. Ice in there! 
Rob Wicks, again! 



Exit Bolter and Wicks— saroe play. 

Fel How wampageous the gov^- 
nor is ? 

Nan Yes. 

Fel Y-a-a-s. {getting nearer 
her) By jove, the atmosphere in 
this room is becoming rather op- 
pressive. 

,Nan Yes, it has become rather 
oppressive since you came in. 

Fel Oh, don't say that. 

Enter "D R," Aunt Betsy. 

Bet He wasn't in the ball room. 

Nan Wasn't he; oh, of course 
he wasn't. I just saw him going 
toward the conservatory. 

Bet Well, I will find him! 

Exit "D L," Aunt Bjtsy. 

Nan aside There is going to 
be an explosion in this house, and I 
know it. 

Fel aside I will have to pro- 
pose to her. Oh lud, or the gov'nor 
would tear me in threads if I didn't. 

Nan aside What good com- 
pany he is. aloud Ah! 

Fel What did you say? 

Nan Did you speak? 

Fel Y-a-a-s. aside I'll have 
to do it. aloud Miss Nannie, I 
have been thinking a great deal of 
you lately. I have, by jove. 

Nan Have you? I didn't know 
you could do anything like that. 

Fel {cmhraci)ig her) Y-a-a-s. 

Nan Say, where have you got 
your arm! 

Fel Don't mind a little thing- 
like that. 

Nan I don't. 

They stare at each other and look away from 
each other. Enter "D C," Frederick and 
Miss Titter. 

Fel aside Lud, what shall 1 
say next? If she was like Miss 
Titters; but she isn't — she's a dif- 
ferent kind of ])ird altog-eher. 



Zo 



Frd {fo Miss Titters) Veil, I 
vouldn't have believed dot! 

Fls And, oh deah, my Felix! 

Frederick partly removes his coat, 

Fls (dra icing him out "D C") 
Don't; oh deah, don't let us have a 
scene! Fm such a silly little thing, 
Fm suali I couldn't endure it. You 
can shoot him to-morrow just as 
well. Oh, do come away! 

E.Ylt Frederick and Miss Titters. 

Nan {taking Felix 's arm a urn/) 
Don't you think you have had your 
arm here long enough? 

Fel Y-a-a-s, but don't you 
know 

Nax No. I don't. 

Fel But don't you see- 



Nan [rising] I see you are 
trying to be very foolish. 

Fel But you won't listen to me. 

Nan You haven't said anything. 
[crosses to "D B" FeJix foUowing] 
You will oblige me, sir, if you do 
not follow me. 

Fel Ah— 

Nan Good evening. 

Exit "D. R.," Nannie 

Fel [at "D R" ] I told the gov'- 
nor how it would be. How can a 
fellah make love to a girl when he 
doesn't love her"? The girl won't 
srand it. she won't — and, by jove, 
it is erabarassing for the fellah. I 
must try it again, though; I believe 
the gov'nor would murder me if I 
didn t. 

Exit "D.K.," Felix— Enter D. C. Frederick and 
Miss Titters. Frederick has his coat off. 

Frd Don't talk to me; I could 
not go back to the Forks and look 
my friends in the face if I didn't do 
it. 

Fls But it wasn't his fault. 
Poor, deah Felix. 



Frd Whose fault vas it! Nan- 
nie's? Don't you say it vas Nan- 
nie's! Me and her vas brought up 
together. There vere heaps of fel- 
lows who vas better looking than 
me; fellows as had nicer clothes 
than me, and had more money than 
me. But dot vas nothing. She say, 
Frederick, clas ist nix. 

Fls But, oh deah, she's changed. 
The city has spoilt her. It spoils 
everybody. She's always looking at 
him — I'm a silly little thing, but I 
have noticed it — and he's always 
looking at her. 

Frd You don't say so! 

Fls I dare say, this is not the 
first time, nor the twenty-first. 

Frd Is dot so! 

Fls Nor the one hundred and 
first time, and it isn't Felix's fault. 

Frd Leddle Miss Johnstone al- 
lowed dot one hundred and one 
times! \^drops ivpon sofa^ I never 
vould have believe(^ dot if you didn't 
tole me. 

Fls No, nor would anybody. 

Enter from "D R," Bolter. 

Rob Have you seen Miss Betsy ? 

Frd No, but I have seen other 
things dot vas worse. 

Rob I've been looking every- 
where.' 

Frd Then I don't wonder you 
didn't find her. 

Enter "D C," Wicks. 

Wic Page 75. Ice in there! 
Rob Wicks, again ! 

Same play— Exit Wicks and Bolter. 

Fls Mr. Schane, what shall we 
do? 

Frd Veil, I'm going back to the 
Forks, and the rest of them can go to 
the d — 1 for all I care. I vish I vas 
gone there myself. 

Enter from "D L," Aunt Betsy. 



26 



Bet Have you seen old Bob 
Bolter! 

Fed Yes, he just vent out dot 
vay. 

IBet [Xing to "D C"— aside} 
He took me for a sofa, did he ! He 
will wish he hadn't! 

Eater "D C." Wicks. 

Wic Page 75. Ice in there! 
Bet Wicks, look here! 

Same play— exit Wicks and Betsy. 

Fed There she goes again. 
[rising'] Miss Titters, I think I 
vill go back to my hotel. 

Fls [Xing to him] Don't, oh, 
deah; it would look just as if he had 
sit you out. 

Frd Set me out? 

Fls That is figuratively speak- 
ing. 

Frd What vould dot be in Ger- 
man}' ? 

Fls I don't know; but do not 
go to the hotel. "We must think of 
some mannah of revenge. 

Fed All I vant you to do is to 
hold my coat ven I see him. 

Fls [leaning her Jiead upon his 
shoulder] We have both been 
wronged. Oh, deah! And even if 
I am a silly little little thing, I feel 
for myself and you also. Deah me, 
now shall we ever endure it. 

Frederick looks at MissTitters, surprised. En- 
ter trom "D K," Nannie and ffelix. 

Fed It vas kind of you to say 
so. 

Fls Come, we will go into the 
conservatory; we will be alone there. 

Fed One hundred and vun 

times! Veil, I vill never see her 
again ! 

Fls And I will scratch Felix. 

Frd Good bye, leddle Miss John- 
stone ! 



Exit 'D L," Frederick and Miss Titters. Nitn- 
X's and looks out "D L." 

Fel By jove, I didn't think that 
of Miss Titters. 

Nan Was that Frederick ! 

Fel Y-a-a-s. 

Nan ''Good bye, little Miss 
Johnstone." I wonder what he 
meant by that? 

Fel By jove, I didn't think the 
city would ruin him so soon. 

Nan Do you think he meant it? 

Fel Of course. 

Nan If he did, he'll wish he 
hadn't. 'Cause why? 'Cause I 
will listen to what you were telling 
me. 

Fel That would please the gov' 
nor. 

Nan Come, we'll follow them. 
Good bye, little Miss Johnstone! 
Well, well, we will see! 

Exit "D L:, Nannie. 

Fel Only a German! By jove, 
I wouldn't have thought that of 
Flossy ! 

Exit 'D L," Felix, 
Enter "D C," Betsy. 

Bet I might as well try to catch 
a Jack-o-lantern as old Bob Bolter. 

Enter "D C," Wicks. 

Wic Page 75. Ice in there! 
Rob [tvifhi)i] You scoundrel! 

Wicks makes hurried exit. 

Bet That's Bolter. [Xs and 
sits near table "R."] Now, I will 
see what he has to say for himself. 

Enter "D. C." Bolter. 

Rob [at "D C," hoicinij loir] 
Miss Betsy. 

Bet [aside and not looking up] 
He took me for a sofa. I mnsit not 
forget that. 

Rob [coming down "C."] She 



27 



don't see me; or, that is she does see 
rae, and don't let on — which is so 
much like Miss Betsy. Hem! No 
perceptible motion. What girlish- 
ness. 

Bet aside I will see how far 
he'll go. The old idiot! 

Rob aside I wonder if I had 
better propose to her standing or 
upon my knees, I wish I knew 
which slie preferred, aloud Hem! 
aside No motion. I think I shall 
do it on my knees. \^walks softly 
to and returns from "D C."~\ 

Bet aside I wonder what he's 
up to now? 

Rob aside The coast is clear. 
[^kyieels at Betsy's side'] Delight- 
ful female! 

Bet aside The old reprobate! 
aloud Why don't you call me a 
sofa? 

Rob If you prefer it. aside I 
am getting on. aloud Delightful 
sofa. 

Bet . aside So he did call me a 
sofa! Well, he'll get it! 

Rob Lovely girl, let me take 
your hand. 

Bet aside He will get more of 
my hand than he wants! 

Rob May I, delightful Sofa? 

Bet aside Sofa, again! 

Rob Intakes her hand — aside] t 
was sure she would prefer my 
knees, aloud Sweet Sofa, may I 
take it for granted, that all this girl- 
ishness on your part; all this sweet 
simplicity, all these maiden-blushes, 
implies — oh, can I! 

Bet You love me better than 
the birds that fly? 

Rob Sweet songstress! 

Bet You love me better than 
the moon that glimmers? 

Rob Oh, glimmering moon ! 

Bet And you will marry me in 
October? 



Bob Lovely girl! 



Bolter is making preparation to embrace ber. 
She rises, X's, and stares at him. 

Bet Bolter, you're a fool! 

Rob Angel ! 

Bet How dare you say you will 
marry me in October, or May, or 
any other time! 

Rob Demme, what's this! 

Bet And talk about me behind 
my back, and call me a bird, or a 
moon, or any other freak of nature! 
You monster, Til sue you for 
breech of promise ! 

Rob Oh, lord! 

Bet And I'm a sofa, am I ! 
Something you can sit down on; 
something you can wheel around; 
something you can stow away in 
the garret when its springs" are 
broken! I am a sofa, am I; with 
all my springs broken! I'll show 
you! I'll have you ousted out of 
the house! 

Rob Oh, lord! 

Bet Yes, and I'll 

Enter "D C," Wicks. 

Wic Page 75. Ice in there! 
Bet Now, Wicks, I'll attend to 
you! 

Same play. Exit "D C," Wicks and Betsy, 
Bolter rises, staggers to and falls heavily up- 
on sofa. 

Rob Oh lord, oh lord, oh lord ! 
I made a mistake; I should have 
proposed standing up! Oh lord! 

Bolter comu^ences to fan himself with the ends 
of his coat tails. 
Talking within. 

Rob Somebody 's coming. Oh, 
lord, I don't want them to see me. 

He stae-gers to, and draws chair behind sofn, 
falls upon it, and covers his face with bis 
'kerchief— enter from 'D. L." Frederick and 
Nannie. 

Nan I saw you ! 
Frd Veil, I saw you! 



28 



Nan And I don't want to see 
you again. 

Frd And I never vant to see 
you again. I'm going back to the 
Forks, or to the d — 1; I don't care 
which. One hundred and vun 
times! Think of dot! I vould 
have believed dot of anybody but 
you! 

Nan And I didn't think it of 
you. You were never that way at 
the Forks, and you wouldn't bp that 
way now but your money and the 
city have spoilt you. 

Frd Spoilt me? You say dot 
to me, after fooling me vun hundred 
and vun times? [falling upon so/a] 
Och gott, I vish I vas dead! 

Nan [falling npmi chair near 
tahle^ I wish I was too! 

Bob bejflns to listen— Enter from "D. L." Felix 
followed by Miss Titters. 

Fls Deah me, I don't know 
why I don't, but I ought to scratch 
your pyes out. 

Fel By jove, don't talk. Don't 



call names. Miss Titters, I assuah 
you, I am not blind. 

Felix X'8 to Nannie. 

Fls Don't be wude to me, sir. 
Look at me. Look at my eyes. See 
what you've done. 

Frd [rising and removing his 
coat] Yes, look vat you've done; 
and ril make you wish you hadn't! 

Fls Oh, deah! 

Nan [getting hetiveen Frederick 
and Felix] Don't Frederick! 

Frd 'Cause why! 

Nan 'Cause why.' Fm going 
to show you what it is to tell fibs.' 
'Cause why.' 'Cause I'm going to 
marry him.' [she tales Felix's 
hand] 

Fls Catch me.' 

Miss Titters faints in Frederick's arms, (com- 
edy faint,) Bolter waves his 'kerchief behind 
sofa. Betsy leads Wicks in "D. C," by the 
ear— Johnstone following-, and showering- 
placards over him. 

PI'~!TURE. 

CURTAIN. 



29 



AGT IV 



TIME— 9:30, p. m. 

PLACE — Westminister Hotel, New York. 

SCENE— Room 305. Door in flat, closed door "B," into Room 
306. Boor ^'L," INTO sleeping apartment. Large screen 'L" 
NEAR flat. Fire-place, table, burning lamp upon table, two 
chairs, "L." Sofa with large sofa-cover, large easy chair, "L." 
Otherwise, comfortably furnished. 

AT RISE OF CURTAIN- 

"i?" PACKING VALISE. 



-Frederick discovered at table 



Frd Say, why don't yon go in? 
{fri/s to force a jxii)' of shoes info the 
valise) You von't? Veil, then you 
can stay out. {throws them upon 
the stage) I vunder what time it is. 
{looks at icatcJi) Almost 10 o'clock. 
And leddle Miss Jshn stone vas to 
be married at nine. Veil, I don't 
care, {savageli/ forces jyackage into 
valise) I don't see why I should 
care? I don't? I'm going back to 
the Forks, and I'm going to stay 
there. I thought I vould take led- 
dle Miss Johnstone back with me, 
and we vould climb up and down the 
old hills together, like we used to; 
and now she's gone and got mar- 
ried. Veil, why should I care? I 
don't care? I don't know Avhat she 
could see in dot Felix? Seems to 
me, I have taken an awful dislike to 
dot Felix. I believe if I could kill 
him two or three times I vould feel 
better, {takes up guitar and meas- 
ures it irith ralise) You von't go 
in, vill you? If I know dot, I 
vouldn't buy him. {to the guitar) 
Do you know dot leddle Miss John- 
stone she vas married? {seats hint- 
self '"L" of table) Yes, she vas 



married. But I don't see why we 
should care? If anybody vants to 
care let them care. We don't? {he 
commences to finger the guitar) I 
von't have nobody to talk to now 
but you, and you can't talk half as 
fast as leddle Miss Johnstone. 
{sings) 

Where is Leddle Miss Johnstone, dot 's 

what the hills vill say? 
Where is Leddle Miss Johnstone, who 

vas with you alway? 
Didn't you hear she vas married? Didn't 

you hear dot before? 
Up in the old hills, Nannie, we vill von- 

der together no more. 

Knock at "D" in flat. 

Frd I vonder who dot is ? 

Frederick commences to sing. 
Knock at *'D" in flat. 

Fed Veil, we ain't at home. 

Nannie looks in "D" in flat. 

[Note. —Nannie is in her bridal gown. A 
wreath of flowers in one hand, and a bridal 
veil in the other.] 

Frd {plogiug) They are coming 
in anyvay. 

Nan {crossing slowly to Fred- 
erick) Frederick ? 

Frd (same play) Dot's leddle 
Miss Johnston.' 



30 



Nan aside He doesn't hear 
me. 

Fed aside I vonder if she 
thinks I'm going to speak ? 

Nan (going closer) Frederick! 

Fed aside I vonder if I hadn't 
better say something? 

Nan (throwing the wreath at 
Frederick) Say, why don''t yon 
look around! 

Fed (rising) Oh, it's you! 

Nan {embarrassed) Yes, it's me. 

Fed Veil, I didn't know, aside 
She's got on her wedding gown. 
Veil, I don't care. 

Nan Arn't you going to say 
anything? 

Fed aside She vants me to 
congratulate her. Why shouldn't 
I? aJoud, I vish you may live 
long and die happy. 

Nan I don't want to live long 
and I don't think I shall die happy. 

Fed All right, you can do just 
as you please. 

Nan (pouting) If I had known 
you were going to treat me like this, 
I wouldn't have come. 

Fed It vas real kind of you. I 
suppose you come to say good bye. 
Veil, good bye. Some how or oth- 
er we became bad friends. We vill 
forget dot, and part good friends. 
Good bye. You might have brought 
the rest of the family with you. I 
vould say the same to him. 

Nan Him ? 

Fed I said him. The man you 
married. 

Nan But I havn't married any 
man. 

Fed Dot's so, I vouldn't call 
him a man either. 

Nan But I havn't married any- 
body. 

Fed Eh! (looking at his watch) 
It is after 10, and you vas to be 
married to Felix at 9 ? 



Nan But I changed my mind 
just a quarter of 9. 

Fed What! 

Nan Yes, Frederick, when pa 
came up and told me the parson had 
arrived, and I must get ready, I ran 
to the glass to primp a little. I 
looked so unhappy, and I thought 
may be you'd be unhappy too. So 
I threw on my cloak, and here I "am. 

Fed But I don't understand. 

Nan There is nothing to un- 
derstand about it. It is just this 
The wedding has been postponed. 

Fed Oh, your pa postponed it? 

Nan No, he didn't. I postponed 
it myself. 

Fed Leddle Miss Johnstone, I 
think I am beginning to under- 
stand. Ocli gott, let us be sociable! 

Frederick takes her hands. 

Nan I think it's about time. 

Fed You've come back to me, 
and we are going home to the Forks 
together ? 

Nan Well, I guess we are. 

Fed Back to dot leddle house? 

Nan Back to that little house. 

They embrace. 

Fed Och gott ! Come over here, 
and sit down and tell me all about 
it. I never vas so happy in all my 
life. 

Frederick draws her towards the sofa. 

Nan Neither was I. You see, 
Frederick, I never did intend to mar- 
ry him. But you made me so aw- 
fully angry. Don't you know, Fred- 
erick, when a girl loves a fellow, 
and she catches him with his arm 
around another girl, it makes her 
awfully angry ? 

Fed I vouldn't have known dot 
if you didn't tole me. Leddle Miss 
Johnstone, do you know when a fel- 
low loves a girl, and he catches her 



31 



witli another fellow^'s arm around 
her vun hundred and vun times, it 
makes him awfully angry? 

Nan I shouldn't wonder. We 
are somewhat alike, arn't we? 

Frd Yes, we are somewhat 
alike. But we vill forget dot. 

Nan Yes, and that is why I post- 
poned the wedding. I suppose it 
will be a great surprise to piu 

Loud knock at '"D" in flat. 

Jo {outside) Bobbie, are you 
sure this is the room ? 

Rob {ir/t/ii)i) 305. Of course 
it is. 

Nan That's pa! 

Frd Yes, dot's pa! 

Nan It won't do to have him 
find me here. 

Frd Follow me. 

Knock at "D" in flat. Frederick crosses to 
Room, "306," "D R,.' followed by Nannie, 
and knocks. 



Frd Hello, you! 

Noise in Room, 306, as if in crossing room, he 
fell over parts of his furniture. Knock at 
•»D." in flat. 

Room 306 What the d — 1 you 
want! Who's there! 

Frd Us. 

R. 306 Who in thunder 's us! 

Frd Who in thunder is us? Oh, 
yes. Me and my little sister. 

R. 306 Little sister! That's ex- 
cellent! -{laugJis) Has your papa 
cornered you! Get away from that 
door, Fm in bed! 

Jo {outside) Bobbie, break the 
door in! 

Bolter commences to try the door. 

Nan What shall we do ! 
Frd Follow me. 

After Frederick turning down light upon ta- 
ble, "R,' he and Nannie tip-toe to and g'et 
behind screen. Euter Bolter and Johnstone. 

Rob {at ''D" in fat) I am sure 



I heard some one talking in here. 

Jo {staff f/eriuf/ to and falling 
ujjon sofa) Bobbie, turn up the 
light. 

Rob {turns ujj lamp and dis-- 
covers unpacked valise) Hello, this 
looks as if there had been a scuffle 
here. 

Jo Oh, Bobbie, think of the dis- 
grace! My daughter, oh, my daugh- 
ter! 

Rob {falls upon chair near ta-- 
hie) And my son, oh, my son! 
Think of his lacerated feelings, 
Johnny. If he doesn't suicide, I 
shall be disappointed. Or, rather, I 
would not be surprised. My son. 
oh, my son! 

Jo It was the German. 

Rob He deserves tar and feath- 
ers. 

Jo He should be ham-strung! 

Frd Incomes from behing screen 
removing his coat'] Don't you think 
I had better throw them out ! 

Nan [draws him back] No. 
no! 

Jo Bobbie, look about the room 
and see if you can find him. Oh. 
my daughter! 

Rob Oh, my son! Woe be to that 
German, if I ever lay hands upon 
him ! 

^ Frd [same jJlay] VpII, I guess 
I'll throw them out! 

Nan [same play] No, don't! 

Rob If he is in the room, John- 
ny, I will find him. [rises and 
glances about room] He isn't here. 
Ho, another door. May be, he is in 
there. If he is, Johnny, murder 
will be too good for him. 

Bolter crosses to "D" of Room "306," andlooks 
in key hole. 

Jo^ Too good, by far. [jyrodu- 
ces Nannie's note] Here is the in- 
strument that killed me. 

Nan [looking out from behind 



22 



scree)i'\ Poor pa, I knew it would 
surprise him. 

Jo [rm(fs] "My dear pa: Don't 
feel bad. TBe wedding is postponed. 
Your's, as ever, Nan." To tlie 
d— 1 with the German ! 

Fed \^same jiJoi/J I think I vill 
throw him out I 

Nan [^sameplayj No, don^tf 

Johnstone mops his brow with bis 'kerchief, 
rumples the note, throws it upon the stage, 
and grinds it under his boot heel. Bolter 
knocks at 308. 

Rob [at "D B."] Hello, you in 

R. 306 What the d— 1 you 
want! 

Johnstone X's to Room 306. 

Rob Is that you, Frederick? 
Jo What does he say? 

Crash inside as if 306 was getting up and fal- 
ling over his furniture, Frederick and Nan. 
Die tip toe to and exit "D L. 

R. 306 Who's there! 
Rob Me. 

R. 306 Who in thunder 's me! 
Is your little sister with you! 

Rob [loohiug at Johnstone^ Is 
my little sister with me! 

Jo No, his little sister is not 
with him. 

R. 306 Who in the d — 1 are you ! 

Jo I am — another fellow. 

R, 306 What in consternation do 
you want! 

Rob We are looking for a Ger- 
man by the name of Schane. 

R. 306 Schane! You'll find him 
at the morgue! 

Fed [at^'DU''] How's dot! 

Rob At the morgue ! 

R. 306 [tauf/hsy Yes, he killed 
himself last night — cut his throat. 

Jo Cut his throat! 

Rob Cut his throat ! 

They look at each other. 



Fed aside Veil, I vouldn''t 
have known dot if I didn't hear it.. 

R. 306 I wouldn' sleep in that 
room for a farm in Texas, [laughs J 
In fact, you, and you other fellow, 
you've gatten into the wrong room. 
If you are caught in there, you'll 
be hauled up in the morning to tes- 
tify. 

Rob Testify! 

Jo Testify! 

R. 306 Anyway, if you have the 
nerve to sleep in there, keep quiet, 
or I'll commence shooting through 
the pannels. Bye, bye, little sister! 

Frederick clo?ca "D L." 

Rob Oh, lord! 

Jo Oh, lord! • 

Rob We must get out of this! 

Jo Immediately ! 

They lock arms, walk rapidly to "D," in flat. 
Bolter is about to open door, when there is 
a knock from outside. They start back 
look at each other, and then tip-toe down 'C. 

Jo The officers. 
Rob Come to search the room. 
Jo What shall we do? Think 
for me. 

Knock at '"D" in flat. 

Bob More knocking! Hist! 
Here's another door. [tJiei/ tip-toe 
"DL"^ Locked! 

Jo Locked! There's a screen. 

Rob The first place they would 
look. 

Knock at "D" In flat. 

Jo Oh, lord! 

Rob I will get under the table. 

Jo But where will I get! 

Rob I never thought of that. 
[looks about] I have it. Sit down 
here. 

Bolter refers to large chair near sofa, and 
picks up sofa cover. 

Rob I'll throw this over you. 



33 



Johnstone sits down, and when Bolter is about 
to cuver him, rises quickly. 

Jo Oh, lord they might sit on 
me! 

Knock at "D" in flat, 

KoB If they do, don't say any- 
thing. 

Knock at -'D" in flat. Bolter throws the sola 
cover over Johnstone; X's quickly to table, 
turns down the light and crawls under the 
table. Frederick and Nannie look out "D L '' 

Nan Look at pa! 
Fbd Now's our time. 

Frederick followed by Nannie start towards 
'•D" in flat. Knock at "D." They tip-toe 
back to "D L." 

Rob aside They will surely 
catch Johnstone. 

Jo aside I hope nobody will sit 
on me. 

Door in flat opens slowly and Felix looks In. 

Fel The light is down, my 
deah; I'm afraid he's out. 

Jo aside Demme, I wish I was 
out. 

Rob aside That voice sounds 
familiar. 

Fls Go in, deah boy; we will 
wait until he comes. 

Enter Felix and Miss Titters. 

Fls Turn up the light. 
Fel Yes, deah girl. 

Felix turns up the light and places a chair for 
Miss » itters "R" of table. 

Fel Sit down here. 
Jo aside I wonder if he means 
on me! 

Miss T. sits "R," Felix "L" of table. Bolter 
looks earnestly at .Miss Titter's foot. 

Rob aside I think I know that 
foot. 

Fls I must be a silly little thing, 
for I'm all in a fluttah. It was all 
so unexpected. Believe me, deah 
boy, I thought Fd lost you. 



Felix lights a cigarette. Nannie and Freder- 
ick peep out "D L." 

Fel It was a narrow escape, by 
jove. But Miss J. had more 
sense than I gave her the credit of 
possessing. 

Nan [aside to Fred] I like 
that. 

Fls And you nevah loved her, 
deah boy,^ 

Fel Now, Flossy, how can you 
ask such wediculous questions. She 
was weally obnoxious to me— so 
coarse and vulgah, you know. 

Nan [irithJarge pilloa-] Don't 
you think I had better throw this at 
him! 

Frd No, don't; you might hit 
your pa. 

Fls Deah me, I don't undei- 
stand the affair at all. 

Rob aside The more I look at 
that foot, the more familiar it be- 
comes. 

Fel [pufing cif/areftej You 
see. Flossy, the gov'nor 's been 
working that silly old greeney of a 
Johnstone. 

Jo [uncorering] Did he say 
Johnstone ! 

Rob aside Johnstone! 

Fls Well, deah boy? 

Fel Well, he wanted to sacrifice 
me, you know, (ptiff'^) 

Nan {same piay) I guess I 
will throw it at him ! 

Frederick same play. 

Fel Sacrifice me, y-a-as. Weally, 
it was a brutal thing to do. But 
that greeny, old Johnstone, you 
know, has money, and the gov'nor 
insisted I should be sacrificed. Bru- 
tal wasn't it? 

Fls Brutal? It was barbarous! 

Jo aside Thed— I! 

Rob aside That's my son. If 
Johnstone heard him, I'm ruined ! 



S4 



Fls How did you endure it, 
deah boy? 

Fel Flossy, I thought I should 
die. I don't mind if the gov'nor 
works people — it's perfectly proper, 
and just the fashion. Everybody 's 
working" the Johnstones, you know. 

Nan (same plaij) I think I 



will throw it at him! 

Frederick same play, 

Fls Gro on, deah boy. 

Fel Y-a-a-s. I don't mind, as I 
said, if the gov'nor works the John- 
stones, but it's weally embarrassing 
when he uses me for a sort of cat's- 
paw, you know. And so when I 
heard that Miss J. had flown, I 
thought I would come up heah and 
make it all wight with the German. 

Fls Why did you want to make 
it up with him, deah boy? 

Fel By jove, he threatened to 
shoot me the other day, and I 
wouldn't care about that, you know. 

Fls But if your father would 
find Miss Johnstone, and bring her 
back, what then, deah boy ? 

Fel By jove, I would snap my 
fingers under the gov'nor's nose, 
and expose him to the Johnstones, 
And 

Bolter reaches out from table and pinches 
Felix's leg-, who Jumps up and backs away 
from table. 

Fel Ah.' 

Fls [rises] What, deah boy? 

Fel [crosses to Miss T:J Hist.' 
There's a thing, or something, under 
the table! 

Exit Frederick and Nannie. Johnstone cov- 
ers up. 

Fls How perfectly awful ! Did 
it bite you? 

Fel Fm afraid it did. Oh, don't 
be frightened. I think we had bet- 
tah get out of heah. 

Fls Oh, deah, y-a-a-s. 



They cross to "D" in flat, are about to open 
it when there is a knock without. 

Fel By jove, what's that ! 
Fls {catches JwJd of Felix) Oh, 
deah! 

Another knock, 

Fls Felix, T wouldn't for the 
world be found here alone with you![ 
Fel Lud, what shall we do! 

They look helplessly at each other, 

Rob aside Tlie officers. If they 
catch Felix, I hope they will quar- 
ter him. 

Jo aside Oh, lord, I feel just as 
if somebody was about to sit on me. 

Another knock. 

Fel (crossing to room 306) Ah, 
heah 's a door! (knocls) 
^ R. 306 What the d— 1 you 
want there! Get away from that 
door, or I'll shoot through the pan- 
nels ! 

Bet [at "D" in flat] Are you 
coming to the door! [pounds up- 
on door] 

Fel By jove, here's a screen, 
let us get behind that, 

Fls Anywhere, deah boy! 

They hurry to and conceal themselves behind 
screen. "D" in flat ttys open and Betsy 

looks in. 

Bet Wicks, come her! Wicks,' 

Jo It's Betsy,' 

Rob I wouldn't have that crea- 
ture find me in this position for 
fifty worlds,' 

Enter Aunt Betsy. 

Bet I would like to find those 
two old fools, and those two other 
idiots. 

Enter Wicks. 

Bet Wicks, turn the light up 
higher. 

"Wicks crosses to table and turns up the light 



35 



Bet Frederick / He's here, 
somewhere; I know his tricks. Find 
Frederick, and you have found Nan- 
nie. That's what I told brother-in- 
law. I would like to rinj^ old Bol- 
ter's neck for him, and that other 
idiotic imbecile he call his son. And 
I will, if I ever catch hold of them. 
Frederick! So, he isn't here. Well, 
we will wait until he comes, (she 
sits"B" of fable) This is a fine 
way to have a wedding. Here I 
am in my best gown and my side- 
curls and my what not, and here 
we have been bundling about in 
hacks and being shot up in eleva- 
tors ever since trying to find the 
bride. Wicks! 

Wicks has been tackine: a placard upon the 
screen to the discoraforture of Felix and 
Miss Titters. Frederick and Nannie peep 
out "DL." 

Wic Yes, ma'am. 

Bet Come here and sit down. 

Wic {2}oinfs to chair in which 
Johnstone is seated) Here? 

Frd aside Now, he's going to 
sit on him. 

Bet No, there. 

Wicks seats himself opposite Betsy. 

Bet Mr. Wicks we are going to 
have a wedding to-night. 

Wicks produces his memorandum. Johnstone 
uncovers. 

Wic Page 1111. The most 
fashionable affair of the season. 

Betsy reaches across the table, takes memo- 
randum and throws it back of her strikint? 
Johnstone, who covers quickly. 

Nan aside Poor pa! 

Bet I'm tired of your paging 
me. If I ever see you with that 
book again you know what you'll 
get. 

Wic Yes, ma am. 

Bet Mr. Wicks, I said there 
was going to be a wedding. Did 
you hear me? 



Wic Yes, ma'am — but if you 
will please let me get my memoran- 
dum ? 

Bet You dare to get that book; 
you just dare! I said, Mr. Wicks, 
we are going to have a wedding. 

Wic Yas, ma'am. 

Bet And if nobody else will get 
married, Mr. Wicks, you and I will. 

Rob aside Demme, she's going 
to propose to him ! 

Wic Let me look at my memo- 
randum? Page 99, matrimony. 

Bet Yes, matrimony. You're 
a man I think I can govern. And 
when I tell you to do a thing, you'll 
do it, or you'll wish you had. 

Nan aside How I pity Wicks. 

Frd aside He has my sympa- 
thy. 

Wic But my dear lady ? 

Bet My dear lady, Mr. Wicks! 
Now, don't come any of your senti- 
ment on me. Old Bob Bolter tried 
it once, but it didn't work. 

Rob aside I wonder if John- 
stone heard that! 

Bet Yes, and he called me a 
bird. Mr. Wicks, do I look like a 
bird ? 

Wic No, ma'am. 

Bet I dare say, you and I will 
get along nicely together. I would 
not marry you under any circum- 
stances, but I'm fixed for a wedding 
and there's got to be a wedding be- 
fore I take these things off. We 
will get married in the morning. 

Wic {dejectedly aside) The ex- 
ecution Avill take place at 10 p. m. 

Frederick and Nannie have started on tip- 
toes to "D ' In flat. 

Frd {to Nannie) Now 's our 
time. 

They make a noise opening- door. Betsy turns 
quickly and discovers them. 

Bet Well! 



36 



Betsy rises, crosses softly and takes them by 
the ears. 



Nan 
Frd 



Oh, g-e-e! 
Aunt Betsv! 



She leads them down "C" and looks them over. 

Frd Hello! 

Nan How 'd ye do, Aunt Betsy ! 

Jo divide My daughter! 

Bet You're a pretty pair! 
Where have you been. 

Nan We were looking for you. 

Bet Um! Where have you 
been ! 

Frd We vas just coming in. 

Bet Stuff and nonsense ! Why 
did you run away ! Why didn't you 
stay at home and get married ! 

Nan Changed my mind. 

Bet I wish I had my gad here. 
Fd show you a change or two, 
Where's your pa? 

Nan I don't know. 

Bet Where's your pa! 

Nan He's here. 

Bet Where do you mean by 
here ! 

Nan Anywhere. 

Bet What! 

Frd She means here in the ho- 
tel. 

Bet What part of the hotel! 

Frd Veil, I don't know. May 
be he vas at the bar, and may be he 
vas in the office, and may be he is 
where he vishes he vasn't. 

Bet We will see about that. 

Betsy crosses to and locks -'D" in flat. Dur- 
ing the above Wicks has been decorating. 

Frd {aside to Nannie) It look 
as if we were going to have a fami- 
ly reunion. 

Nan (aside to Frederick) Yes, 
it looks somewhat like that. 

Bet Now, both of you sit down. 

Frederick and Nannie sit together upon sofa. 



er. Frederick, you. sit there, and 
Nannie, you sit here. 

Betsy places Nannie upon chair occupied by 
Johnr-tone. 

Nan I don't want to sit here. 
Aunt Betsy. 

Bet You sit where I tell you. 

Nannie sits upon edge of chair. Betsy crosses 
and looks in ''D L." 

Frd Nannie, do you vant me to 
come and sit with you? 

Nan No, I don't think pa could 
stand it. 

Bet {to Wicks, ivho is adver- 
tising) Wicks stop that and come 
here. Get on the other side of that 
screen, and if anything runs out, 
catch it. 

Frd Nannie, do you think any- 
thing vill run out! 

Nan Some people might call it 
something, but I wouldn't. 

Wickb and Betsy advance slowly on either side 
of screen and discover Felix and Miss Tit- 
ters. Wicks captures Miss Titters, Aunt 
Betsv captures Felix. They lead them down 
to table. Folix ' L." Miss Titters "R..' 

Bet What were you doing back 
of that screen! 

Fel By jove, I was so nervous I 
didn't have time to find out. 

Fls (to Wicks) Oh, deah, Fm 
so fluttahed, I don't understand. 
Let me go, good man! Deah me, 
what will my friends say! 

Frederick and Nannie laugh. 

Bft Stop your laughing. Felix 
you sit here. Miss Titters, you sit 
over there. Nannie! Frederick! 
Stop your laughing.' Whfit on 
earth are you sitting on the edge of 
that chair for? 

Betsy crosses to aud picks Nannie up and 
drops her upon Johnstone, which removes 
the cover from his feet. 



Bet Don't 3^ou sit there togeth- Nan aside Poor pa! 



37 



Bet (to Fred.) Stop your laugh- 
ing! What ails that chair? 

Betsy commences to examine the chair, while 
Wicks takes part of Bolter for one end of 
the table and tries to tack a placard upon It. 
The end moves. 

Bet Those are curious feet for 
a chair, (she steps upon JoJin- 
stone's toes — they move) The man 
that built this chair ought to get a 
patent on it. (she sounds John- 
stone's head) Hardly solid wahiut. 
Nannie, have you a pin? 

Jo ( rising and landing Nannie 
upon her feet) Demme, sister-in- 
law, don't stick! 

Betsy starts back. 
Nan" Why, if it ain't pa! 
Frd Veil, I vouldn't have be- 
lieved dot if I didn't see him. 

Johnstone teels himself over. Nannie crosses 
to and scats herself beside Frederick. 

Bet You're a pretty looking 
spectacle ! 

Jo Sister-in-law, don't, I am too 
overcome to defend myself. 

Bet Why did you cover your- 
self up in that ridiculous fashion? 

Jo I don't know. I can't tell. 
{falling upon chair) Demme, I'm, 
ha — all muddled! 

Bet Where's the other one? 

Jo I don't know. Only, he's 
miserable too. He's a wretch — a 
miserable wretch! 

Johnstone leans back in his chair and covers 
his face with his 'kerchief. Betsy crosses 
to Wicks, who is still trying- to tuck a pla- 
card upon the queer end of the table to the 
discomforturo of Bolter. 

Bet T came here to straighten 
things out and I'm going to do it. 

Nan Well, I shouldn't wonder 
if she would. 

Frd It looks dot way. 

Bet Mr. Wicks, have you dis- 
covered anything? 

Wic Yes, ma'am. I was adver- 
tising upon this end of the table 
and it moved. 

BaT Where? 



Wic (point i}ig at Bolter's boots) 
Do you see anything there? 

Bet Boots! 

Wic Very much like boots. 

Bet They are boots. 

Fls (rising) Oh, deah, be 
careful! It bit Felix! 

Fel (rising) Y-a-a-s, by jove! 

Bet Mr. Wicks, kick under the 
table! 

Rob {coming quicklg from un- 
der table) Demme, don't kick! 

Betsy and Wicks start back. Miss T. X's to 
Felix. Bolter looks himself over. Freder- 
icks laugh heartily. Johnstone peeps out 
from under his kerchief. 

Bet It's old Bob Bolter! 

Rob I — yes — Bolter. 

Bet The less you say, the bet- 
ter for you. Now I want to know 
what all this nonsense means! 

Rob Ask Johnny. 

Jo {rising angrily) Never call 
me Johnny again ! Let him tell 
you what his son said about me. 

Rob aside He heard Felix! 

Jo Tell it, sir! Let his son tell 
you how he slandered my daughter! 
Bolter, Bolter, perfidious Bolter, 
never call me Johnny again ! 

Rob aside Fm ruined! 

Bet Felix, tell what you know. 

Johnstone reseats himself. Nannie crosses to 
her father. 

Nan Now, pa, don't let's have a 
fuss. 

Frd No, let us all live long and 
die happy. 

Nan Pa, I heard it all. We 
have all been in the wrong some- 
what, and if you will let me be a 
moment, I think I can patch up 
matters a little. 

Bet {seats herself ''' L" of table. 
Bolter "7?.") If anybody inter- 
rupts you, they know what they'll 
get. Mr. Wicks, take a seat. 

Wicks seats himself upo« chair near flat, 
and takes notes of the following in his mem- 
orandum, which he has recovered. 



38 



Nan Pa, when you brought the 
Forks into New York, you should 
have known they wouldn't work to- 
gether. That's where you were 
wrong. People who do unto others 
as they wish to be done by, can't ex- 
ist upon six o'clock dinners and lit- 
tle blue etiquettes. I didn't love Fe- 
lix and Felix didn't love me. He 
loves Miss Titters. It's an old say- 
ing, pa, ''Birds of a feather flock 
together." And I think Felix and 
Miss Titters being similar birds, 
should flock according. to the old 
saw. 

Bet And they shall flock. 

Rob I would like to see them. 

Bet Bolter, they will get mar- 
ried in the morning. And you are 
not invited to the wedding. I will 
give them away myself. 

Rob We will see, madam. 

Bet Nannie, go on. 

Nan Pa, I heard Felix say Mr. 
Bolter was working you. 

Jo Ha — think of it .' Working 
me.' Me.' The best friend he ev- 
er had. 

Rob I trust that I may 

Nan Don't deny it, Mr. Bolter, 
'cause I heard him. He said you 
was working pa, and I think you 
was. But he didn't work yon, pa, 
and therefore, I don't think there is 
anything to be angry about. Why, 
don't you remember, pa, when you 
were both poor? He wasn't working 
you then. So, if I were you I would 
shake hands with him. 

Rob {rising) Eh, Johnny? 

Jo (rising) Eh, Bobbie. 

Rob (crossing and meeting John- 
stone down "C"' and taking his 
hand ) Certainly. 

Jo (same play) Of course. 

Fed Gro on, Liddle Miss John- 
stone. 

Nan And now, pa, I want to 



tell you, that Frederick and I have 
talked it over and made it all up be- 
tween us, and we are going, if you 
don't mind, back to 

Frd Dot leddle house. 

Nan Back to that little house. 

They embrace. 

Jo Bobbie, she might have done 
worse. \^crosses to Nannie and 
Fredereck^ My children, I, ah — 
trust you will find the little house 
cosy. 

Bet Am I to be left out of these 
general announcements? Mr. W. 
come here! 

Wic \_coming doum ^'C" to Bet.'\ 
Yes, ma'am. 

Bet I will soon be Mrs. Wicks; 
it's an outlandish name, but if any- 
body makes fun of it, they know 
what they'll get. \^Bolter langJis^ 
Bolter, do you remember the time 
you took me for a sofa? Wicks, 
take my hand and look happy. 

Frd Yes, let us all join hands 
and look happy. 

Wic [taking Betsy's hand and 
throwing memorandum upon staged 
The end.' 

Nan [taking her father's and 
Frederick's hand — sings ] 



In happiness we blend, 
For oui- story's at an end, 
And our wedding day is coming on the 
morrow. 
We trust we've pleased you quite, 
So we wish you all "good night," 
And dreams about our wedding day to- 
morrow. 



All join in the chorus, waltzing 
about stage. Frederick with Nannie. 
Wicks and Betsy. Felix and Flos- 
sy. Johnstone and Bolter. 

CHORUS. 



39 



CHORUS. 



All the boys vvill be there, you know! 

All the girls will be there, high O! 
There '11 be singing and dancing, 
There '11 be dancing and singing. 

All the boys will be there, you know! 

All the girls will be there, high O! 



There '11 be singing and dancing, 
There '11 be dancing and singing. 
Won't we have a jolly time, for to-mor- 
row 's our wedding day. 

SLOW CURTAIN. 
FINIS. 




